April's Fool (Popular Fic #1)
by PopFicMaster
Summary: Emory thinks April is cheating on him when he spies her with another guy -- Harrison! Nicole decides to get to know her real family; Brooke helps with Nicole; Sam and George have communication problems; Mary Cherry joins April in a rather friendly, but
1. April's Fool: Prologue

These characters are not mine. They are property of the WB/Touchstone Pictures. However, this storyline and the dialogue contained within ARE of my own creation, and may not be used without my permission. _April's Fool_ is ©2001 JaCk/jack.andrew@att.net . All rights to my part in this creation are reserved.

NOTES ON **_APRIL'S FOOL_**: I dunno, I got a wild hair up my butt and decided to take a stab at writing some _Popular_ fanfic. This particular fan fic is written in loose script format, i.e., it's semi-formal but meant for the non-actor to read and understand. I *could* have written it in story format, but it goes by so much faster this way. ;) Besides, any fan of _Popular _will be able to picture this going on in their head.

The way this is set up is thus: In watching _Popular_, you might notice that there's a short beginning part and around 4-5 longer parts after the Kendall Payne song introduction that make up the show (between the commercials.) _April's Fool _'s "short beginning part" will be called the prologue, and appears as four acts (chapters/sections/whatever.) Also, the acts may be longer than the normal 43-47 minute long length of the actual show, UNLESS I decide to make it five acts. Despite this being in its loose script format, I prefer to call this legitimate fan fiction, esp. since it may never see the light of screentime. Thanks for the interest and please email me with any thoughts or criticism.

**The storyline takes place after _The News of My Death Has Been Greatly Exaggerated_ -- just pretend that there's no other new _Popular_s after it until this one, which would take place in the beginning of April. Also, consider it an alternate follow-up to _The News of My Death Has Been Greatly Exaggerated._**   


**APRIL'S FOOL: ** PROLOGUE 

INT. KENNEDY HIGHSCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY 

SAM McPHERSON and LILY ESPOSITO walk down the Kennedy High corridor on their way to Sam's locker. 

LILY   
I can't believe it's April already. 

SAM   
Tell me about it...hey, where's Josh? 

LILY   
I have him putting up posters for my   
next animal rights group meeting down   
at Shriver Jr. High. Gotta catch 'em   
while they're young, you know? 

SAM   
Well, so much for animal rights. 

LILY   
What's that supposed to mean? 

SAM   
The way you have him trained you might   
as well be wearing a top hat and carrying   
a large hoop. 

LILY   
(laughing)   
Shut up! 

EMORY DICK, in the background, struggles to catch up to them. 

EMORY   
Miss Esposito! Miss McPherson! 

The two girls stop in the middle of the hall. 

LILY   
Oh God, not this early in the morning -- 

SAM   
Lily -- 

They turn to him as he catches up. 

SAM & LILY   
Morning Emory. 

EMORY   
Good morning, my lovely and fragrant lady friends. Please   
indulge my curiosity for one short moment of your   
time this fine day. 

SAM   
What can we do for you, Emory? 

EMORY   
Well, you see...ever since I and Miss   
April Tuna have been involved in a   
sordid, passionate, moist loin-trembling,   
earth shattering, headboard rumbling -- 

LILY   
What do you want, Emory? 

EMORY   
Sorry, I got caught up in my feelings   
for the fair and talented Miss Tuna.   
Well, ever since we last parted lips,   
I've been in desperate need of some help. 

SAM   
I'll bet. 

Lily elbows her. 

SAM   
What? 

EMORY   
(quietly)   
I need some...womanly advice. 

SAM   
OhmiGod, Emory...we are NOT going to   
be your sex therapists. 

EMORY   
It's not about our sex life, which I   
assure you is completely adequate and   
satisfying...I want to get my "baby"   
something special. 

LILY   
Oh...well, how can we help? 

EMORY   
I need to know what urban hippie cool   
chicks -- like yourselves -- desire, in   
terms of gifts from their mates. Money   
is no object. 

Sam laughs. 

SAM   
Ookaaaay, well, that depends on what   
kind of message you want to give her. 

Emory stares at her blankly for a moment. 

SAM   
Okay, are you looking to tell her,   
"Hey, I was thinking of you and I thought   
you'd like this" or are you looking to   
tell her, "Hey, I deliberately set out to   
impress you with my chivalrous materialism"? 

EMORY   
How about a combination of both? 

LILY   
Emory...why don't you *think* about it   
for a little while and get back to us   
later. 

SAM   
And we'll do the same for you. 

EMORY   
I think I will think about it for a   
little while and get back to you ladies   
later...since I...seem to have not a   
clue what I want to get for my lady   
love. Fair thee well, my friends. 

Emory struts off, pensive. 

SAM   
(shouting to Emory)   
Good luck! 

Sam and Lily watch him and then proceed to Sam's locker. 

LILY   
Oh my God, I've never seen EMORY so...? 

SAM   
In love? 

LILY   
Yeah. And happy! 

SAM   
If any two people were meant to be   
together, it'd be April Tuna and Emory   
Dick. Scary as that is. 

They laugh. 

EMORY rounds the corner and stops dead in his tracks as his mouth drops wide open and he starts to hyperventilate. He sees APRIL TUNA jumping gleefully and smiling widely as she leaps onto another boy, body hugging him awkwardly; the boy smiles and laughs, turning slightly -- it's HARRISON JOHN! After she calms down, April takes his hand and drags Harrison around the corner, neither of them having seen Emory. 

Back to EMORY as he takes a step back into the corner, shocked and dejected; his expression turns sour as he starts back down the hall back towards SAM and LILY as Sam stuffs books into her locker, laughing with Lily. Sam spots him, but he storms past them. 

SAM   
Oh, hey Emory, I thought of something -- 

EMORY   
Forget that I ever asked, Miss McPherson! 

Sam and Lily watch as Emory slams the door into the boys' bathroom. 

SAM   
-- that you...could get...April.   
Whoa. 

Sam looks at a puzzled Lily in total confusion.   



	2. Act One

**APRIL'S FOOL: ** ACT 1 

INT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - CHEMISTRY CLASS - DAY 

The students file into Bobbi Glass's chem class. HARRISON is about to enter behind APRIL TUNA. April enters, but Harrison stops when he sees Emory approaching. 

HARRISON   
Oh, hey, Emory I wanted to -- 

Emory rudely pushes past him, knocking shoulders. Harrison's mouth hangs open, aghast. 

HARRISON   
-- ask you...something, ooookaaaay.... 

INSIDE the room, the students rustle about. Harrison sits, puzzled at Emory's attitude. 

GEORGE AUSTIN sits in the back and leans towards SAM. 

GEORGE   
(whispers)   
Hey...Sam. Sam. 

Sam, in a semi-daze, looks back. 

GEORGE   
Sam...I can't make it to lunch today...but I   
wanna talk to you later, cool? 

SAM   
Yeah, that's fine. 

George gives her a thumbs up. 

BROOKE   
(to Sam)   
Are you and George okay? 

SAM   
Yeah, we're fine, Brooke, why? 

BOBBI GLASS stands behind her chem table. 

BOBBI GLASS   
Marsha, Jan, can it 'til after class.   
(pauses)   
Okay my little chia pets...let's   
get straight to the point. For almost   
two years I've been teaching you --   
no, scratch that. For almost two years   
I've been nursing ulcers over the fact   
that any amount of tutelage in the   
sciences will never, ever soak into your   
spongy matter, no matter how hard I   
try watering your little seedling brains.   
I have to sadly -- but at the same odd   
paradoxical time gleefully -- admit to you   
that you won't be getting your last reports   
back to see how badly you screwed up this   
time. 

The class murmurs with confusion. 

BROOKE   
(raises hand)   
Um, can we ask why, Miss Glass? 

BOBBI GLASS   
No, you really shouldn't, but I'll take   
great pleasure in telling you anyway.   
(reaching under her table)   
After a long, long night of running the   
red ink over all of your papers -- and   
in between thoughts of suicide and   
serious job reconsideration -- I suddenly   
felt a burning urge. And I did. 

Miss Glass unloads a crumpled paper bag's ashy contents all over the desk. Gasps ensue. 

LILY   
You BURNED our papers?! 

BOBBI GLASS   
And you're all better for it, Miss   
Inferno -- Esposito. Truly, you are, for   
when the smile crept upon my face while   
I watched your illiterate ramblings --   
and your grades -- go up in smoke, I   
felt a sort of..."purging" of my anger   
and decided to just move on. 

SAM and BROOKE look at eachother in confusion. 

BOBBI GLASS   
MOVING ON! 

A loud slap on the table snaps the class to attention. Miss Glass takes out two small, shiny, almost identical gold-colored rocks out from the drawer and places them on the mat on the table. She pulls the pointer out of her fingerclaw and points to them. 

BOBBI GLASS   
Can anyone tell me the difference between   
this little guy...and this little guy? 

Mary Cherry raises her hand. 

BOBBI GLASS   
(sighs)   
Yes, Cherry. 

MARY CHERRY   
Um, there is no difference between the   
two rocks, Miss Glass, Sir.   
(smiles) 

BOBBI GLASS   
Excuse me? 

MARY CHERRY   
Wasn't that a trick question? 

BOBBI GLASS   
No, Cherry, it wasn't.   
(looks to the class)   
They may look identical, but   
I can assure you, they're very   
different.   
(picks one up)   
This shiny, expensive little guy is   
pure, 100% 24K gold. Its chemical   
symbol is Au on that element chart   
that none of you have proven to me   
that you've ever seen before. It is   
a highly malleable substance, alloyed   
with other materials to make anything   
from gold leaf to the hideous oversized   
jewelry so common among rappers and   
pimps. 

Mary Cherry's eyes light up. SUGAR DADDY frowns, looking down at his oversized "SUGAR" necklace. 

BOBBI GLASS   
(picking up the other rock)   
THIS, my dears, is pyrite, more commonly   
known as Fool's Gold. Though its dollar   
value is nowhere near that of its would-be   
twin friend here, it has brought many a   
joyous afternoon to sulfur miners and   
rock collectors. This little substance   
is associated with gold and copper, and   
its presence may indeed signify that the   
real thing isn't too far off.   
(puts the rock down, crosses arms)   
You see, y'all, along with Miss Cherry   
here, made the fatal mistake of accepting   
that what you see is the absolute truth,   
without investigation. Had Miss Cherry   
actually approached and done some tactile   
research on these two mineral specimens   
instead of relying on her myopic blank   
stare, she would have realized the   
differentiating characteristics between   
real gold...and real crap. 

Miss Glass reaches under her desk and pulls out a pile of reports and holds them up -- they're the ones she said she burned! The class is surprised. She walks up the isle and starts handing them back. 

BOBBI GLASS   
Just as you little faithless urchins   
would've realized that the "ashes" I   
dumped on the table were nothing more   
than a combination of cigarette ash   
from various public ashtrays...and   
cat litter. 

SAM   
Um, so what was the point of lying to us   
and getting us upset about our reports? 

BOBBI GLASS   
My point is something that you seem to be   
quite adept at, Miss McPherson: If you   
are unsure of something, investigate. And,   
even if you THINK you're sure of something,   
you should still investigate until you're   
positive of the truth. Don't be a fool to   
jump to conclusions beforehand, as   
sometimes outward appearances may be a   
trick to what lies beneath...and then the   
joke's on you. 

INT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY 

CARMEN walks with BROOKE towards a table where JOSH, LILY, and SAM sit with their lunches. They both spy APRIL TUNA and HARRISON accosting MARY CHERRY in the corner of the room. The three talk...rather intimately. Carmen and Brooke set their trays down. 

CARMEN   
Now that's something new. 

SAM   
What? 

CARMEN   
Mary Cherry is actually allowing   
herself to talk to April Tuna. 

SAM   
Ooo, in such a public place? Funny,   
I don't see any pigs flying by the   
windows. 

BROOKE   
Come on guys...April *is*, afterall,   
our official choreographer now. 

CARMEN   
Still, this is Mary Cherry we're   
talking about. 

BROOKE   
Besides, Harrison's over there, too. 

LILY   
Maybe April finally *did* get her   
menage. 

SAM   
Oh, now THAT was TMI, guys. 

CARMEN   
"TMI?" 

SAM   
Too much information! 

CARMEN   
No...no way. Mary Cherry, April,   
and Harrison ? That is so Jerry   
Springer, Jenny Jones, AND Sally   
Jesse rolled into one. 

LILY   
Speaking of Harrison, Sam -- are you   
guys still not speaking to eachother? 

Before Sam can answer, Mary Cherry reaches the table, waving. 

MARY CHERRY   
Hi boys and girls! Sorry to keep you   
waitin' Brookie, Carmine, but I can't   
stay anyway -- I gotta tarot reading   
with the Great Mystique, "Fortune   
Teller to the Stars" at 2. 

CARMEN   
Mary Cherry, what was that over there   
with you and April Tuna? 

MARY CHERRY   
(flippantly serious)   
Carm...I could tell you, but then I'd   
have to kill you. 

Carmen looks frightened. Mary Cherry then laughs hysterically, but no one's sure if she really means it. 

MARY CHERRY   
Just kidding! Oh come now, Carmen,   
you should know by now that if I were   
gonna kill someone I'd have already   
have myself equipped with the latest   
infra-red sniper technology. 

All of a sudden, a catalog drops from her pile of books onto the table. The title page reads "SNIPERS R US". Mary Cherry scoops up the catalog and stuffs it in her bag. 

MARY CHERRY   
Oops...I keep tellin' myself to get RID   
of all of that junk mail that's in my   
locker!   
(turns to leave, but turns back)   
Oh! I almost forgot. Lil' Lily. I   
have a proposition for you. 

LILY   
I'm not...really...interested in your   
subversive homicidal practices, Mary   
Cherry. 

MARY CHERRY   
Oh, I guarantee that you will be richly   
rewarded. 

She leans and whispers in Lily's ear. Lily's expression turns from doubt to a smile. 

LILY   
(hopeful)   
Oooooh. Well, I guess that sounds -- 

Mary Cherry holds a finger to her lips as Lily's expression fades. 

LILY   
(curt, secretive)   
-- uh, yeah, sure, Mary Cherry. 

JOSH   
What -- where you goin', Lil? 

LILY   
To make someone very, very happy. 

MARY CHERRY   
Come along, Tiny Dancer...time to show   
me what you can do! 

As Lily gathers her stuff, April appears. 

TUNA   
Well? Did you successfully recruit   
Miss Lily Esposito into joining us? 

MARY CHERRY   
(smiles widely)   
Affirmative! 

TUNA   
The invitation is extended to your   
significant other, JOSH FORD, also,   
Miss Lily E. 

JOSH   
Uh, I think I'll pass. 

LILY   
Josh, just come along, you'll see. 

Josh hesitantly picks up his stuff. Sam makes a whipping gesture that Josh doesn't see to Lily -- Lily scowls. 

TUNA   
Carmen Ferrara...you too are invited   
to join us in our extracurricular   
activities. 

CARMEN   
Uh, no, uh, umm, uh-uh, no thanks,   
I think I'll pass. 

April looks to Brooke and Sam. 

SAM   
Don't even ask, April, we're not   
interested in whatever it is that   
no one's talking about. 

TUNA   
Suit yourself, party poops. Me and   
my newly formed entourage are gonna   
have a great time.   
(looks to Carmen again)   
I'll get you sooner than later, Carmen   
Ferrara. 

April leaves with Mary Cherry, Lily, and Josh. Brooke, Sam, and Carmen burst into giggles. 

EMORY enters the lunchroom and spots Harrison sitting with Sugar Daddy a few tables away from the girls. Emory starts towards them. He remembers what Miss Glass said in class. 

EMORY   
(to himself)   
Investigate...be positive of the truth...   
don't jump to conclusions. 

He reaches the table and glares down at Harrison. 

SUGAR DADDY   
Hey there, Dick. How goes life with   
the Tuna? 

EMORY   
Typical of a day in the life of Hillary   
Clinton, Mr. Daddy. 

HARRISON   
Whoa, whoa -- what's wrong, Emory?   
Trouble in paradise? 

EMORY   
I don't know -- you tell me, my   
suppos'ed friend. 

HARRISON   
Huh? What're you talking ab -- 

EMORY   
Oh, you know what I'm talking about,   
Mr. Harrison Don Juan, Mr. American   
Gigolo, Mr. ...Alexander Hamilton! 

He takes out a white glove from his pocket and slaps Harrison across the face with it; Sugar's mouth drops open. 

HARRISON   
(cupping his cheek)   
What the hell was THAT for??? 

EMORY   
Consider yourself challenged! 

SUGAR DADDY   
Whoa, chill, dude! 

EMORY   
I will not "chill DUDE". As I will   
not...I will not be taken for a fool!   
Friday, by the remains of the Forever   
Tree. Be there, or I will hunt your   
best friend backstabbing derriere down! 

He storms off as Harrison still holds his cheek. 

HARRISON   
(wide-eyed)   
Okay, what just happened here? 

SUGAR DADDY   
Duuude -- I think he just challenged   
you to a duel! 

BACK to the girls. They watch Harrison from across the room, as they'd witnessed the whole thing between him and Emory. Carmen's jaw is still dropped. 

CARMEN   
Oh...my God. Did you SEE what just   
happened? 

BROOKE   
What's up with Emory? 

SAM   
I wouldn't know. 

BROOKE   
Just as you wouldn't know what's   
going on with Harrison, right? 

Sam remains silent. 

BROOKE   
Sam -- when was the last time you   
guys spoke? 

SAM   
I don't wanna talk about it -- 

BROOKE   
It was the day of Tuna's Memorial,   
wasn't it? 

Sam remains silent. 

BROOKE   
I knew it. Come on, you guys can't   
go on like this. 

CARMEN   
Brooke's right, Sam. A best friend   
is a best friend and if I thought I   
couldn't talk to my best friend like,   
ever again, I'd probably snap and end   
up insane like Mary Cherry and try to   
kill someone. 

SAM   
You guys, stop trying to convince me   
that if I talk to Harrison everything   
that was said and done is just going   
to vanish into a big puff of smoke!   
It's...just...too frustrating -- 

BROOKE   
Have you even talked to George about   
this? 

Sam shakes her head. 

BROOKE   
Look, I realize I haven't been around   
much...Nic's been going through a very   
hard time now, but...you should at least   
talk to George about it. And if you   
can't...then I think you need to ask   
yourself what is keeping you from talking   
about it. 

Sam scoops up her stuff. 

BROOKE   
Where are you going? 

SAM   
I've got to find George. 

Brooke and Carmen watch Sam rush off. 

BROOKE   
Sorry you had to see that. 

CARMEN   
No problem, let's just not dwell on   
Sam's drama. Hey, speaking of   
drama...where's Nicole?   


EXT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - SMOKING LOUNGE - DAY 

PAN over a bunch of smoking students -- some are clearly newbies as they choke on their cigarettes. Some just look like skanky smoker fiends. A little ways past the bulk of the students, NICOLE sits on the cement bench as SHAGGY LOUISE GROUT, her mother, stands against the brick wall, smoking. 

NICOLE   
Just tell me again. 

SHAGGY   
It's nothing new, Nicole. There was   
nothing special about the whole thing.   
I was really, really drunk...I just   
knew that I was in love...or at least   
I thought I was. I was just very naive. 

NICOLE   
Aren't we all. 

SHAGGY   
I don't even remember his name. He was   
handsome...to me, at least. You kinda look   
like him...butcha got my nose. 

NICOLE   
Do you know what happened to him? 

SHAGGY   
I dunno...I just remember him bein' such a   
dreamer...as well as a dreamboat.   
(laughs, then switches tone)   
I just know that I didn't have any idea what   
kind of mother I'd make. 

NICOLE   
You couldn't have at least tried? 

SHAGGY   
Would you like to try at your age?   
Didn't think so. I'm...I'm sorry, Nicole.   
I wanted for you what any caring mother   
wants for their beautiful baby girl: a good life.   
Looks like you got it. 

NICOLE   
If you consider a father who never   
visits and a mother who doesn't   
care about anything but her public   
image a good life. 

SHAGGY   
Nicole -- 

NICOLE   
No, it's my turn to tell you what I   
wanted. All I ever wanted was to feel   
loved. The only person who I feel   
ever loved me is dead. I may have   
every little material thing that you   
don't have, but it's not the same as   
having...as having someone who cares. 

SHAGGY   
But I did care -- I do care about you,   
Nicole. 

NICOLE   
And yet you didn't care enough to ever   
come looking for me. 

SHAGGY   
You'd be surprised at how much I really   
do care. But do I look like I'm well   
off enough to have even considered coming   
to see you? You're...you'd be wrong if   
you thought that I never once wondered   
"what if". But...if only you knew what   
it was to be me. 

NICOLE   
Well, there's always a start. 

SHAGGY   
What do you mean?   


INT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 

BROOKE   
WHAT??? You can't just do that,   
Nicole. 

BROOKE eyes are wide. NICOLE nonchalantly switches books in her locker. 

NICOLE   
Oh yes I can. 

SAM, out of breath, catches Brooke at Nicole's locker. 

SAM   
Hey guys, Brooke -- have you seen   
George? 

NICOLE   
Oh hey Spam, your're just in time   
for the good news. 

BROOKE   
Nicole -- 

SAM   
What's going on? 

Brooke shakes her head. 

NICOLE   
Well, since I've apparently stricken   
Brookie here speechless, I guess I'll   
be the one to inform you that I'm   
moving in with my birth mother. I   
expected a much happier reaction   
from Brookie here, but I guess that   
she too is not immune to passing   
judgment on the fact that my mother   
turned out to be a trailer trash lunch   
hag. Yes, congrats, Spam -- you're   
the second to know that Nicole Julian   
is going back to where she came from. 

She slams her locker shut and struts off angrily, leaving Sam completely floored and Brooke looking concerned. 

END OF ACT 1 


	3. Act Two

**APRIL'S FOOL:** ACT 2 

INT. NICOLE'S BOXTER - AFTERNOON/EARLY EVENING 

NICOLE pulls up to a run-down apartment complex. She checks the scrap of paper in her hand   
and compares it to the number on the building -- yup, it's the right one. She takes a deep   
breath and closes her eyes. 

SHAGGY   
Nicole! 

SHAGGY hollers from the top of the steps and comes down as Nicole gets out of her car and   
grabs her LV suitcase. 

SHAGGY   
I hope you didn't have much trouble   
finding the place. 

NICOLE   
All I had to do was follow the prostitutes   
and discarded needles and I was fine. 

SHAGGY   
I know...it's not the greatest of neighborhoods.   
You should've called me to come get you.   
Here, lemme help you with that. 

NICOLE   
No, it's okay, thanks. 

Nicole's cellphone rings as she makes it up the steps. She quickly answers it. 

BROOKE'S VOICE   
Nicole, don't hang up -- 

NICOLE   
I'm sorry, I think you have   
the wrong number, hon. 

BROOKE'S VOICE   
Wait a minute -- 

Nicole clicks her cellphone off. 

NICOLE   
So tell me again why you live in   
Crackland? 

SHAGGY   
My ex...he doesn't know that I'm   
still around. He doesn't know   
about this place, either. 

NICOLE   
From the looks of it, neither does HUD. 

INSIDE SHAGGY'S APARTMENT 

is a tad better than the outside, but not much. Nicole surveys the small two-bedroom   
apartment and spies a large couch in the messy, trinket-filled living room. 

SHAGGY   
Um...I fixed my room for you -- 

NICOLE   
That's O.K.! I'll take the couch. 

SHAGGY   
Nicole -- 

NICOLE   
Look, Mo -- Shaggy. I'm already   
burdening you with a spur-of-the-   
moment roomie situation. I don't   
want to put you out any more than   
is necessary. 

SHAGGY   
You're not putting me out -- 

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)   
Shaggeh! Shaggeh, you 'ome? 

SHAGGY   
We're in the living room, Tee. 

NICOLE   
Tee? 

SHAGGY   
My auntie. 

NICOLE   
Oh, right, you told me about -- 

Nicole GASPS LOUDLY as her eyes widen and she goes into a state of shock. 

FOCUS ON TERRI GLASS, Shaggy's auntie in the doorway. Terri Glass looks just like Bobbi   
Glass, only much older -- short white hair, wrinkles, glasses. VERY androgynous; can't even   
TELL that she's female (or is she?). 

TERRI GLASS   
What'sa matter, hun? Look likes   
yeh seen the devil 'imself. 

FOCUS ON NICOLE, jaw dropped, still in complete shock.   


EXT. KENNEDY HIGH GROUNDS - THE FOREVER TREE STUMP - DAY 

PAN over a crowd -- BROOKE, CARMEN, SAM, JOSH, LILY, MARY CHERRY, BOBBI GLASS. They   
are all somber and wearing formal Victorian Era gowns and suits, complete with hats as they   
look on (Bobbi Glass is, obviously, in a suit.) MARY CHERRY weeps loudly. 

MARY CHERRY   
Oh...Joe.... 

CUT to HARRISON and EMORY, standing back to back, wearing two white, billowy poet shirts. 

HARRISON   
We don't have to do this, Emory -- 

EMORY   
Wrong, my dear ex-friend . A man must   
protect his honor in all things   
concerning chivalry. 

A tear-stained APRIL TUNA, wearing a much gaudier outfit than the rest of the girls, throws   
herself at Emory's feet. 

TUNA   
Harrison John is right, my sexy studhorse!   
You don't have to do this! 

Emory bends to pick her up. 

EMORY   
You too are wrong, my gentle, fragrant...sexy...   
luscious... 

Everyone in the crowd looks sufficiently grossed out. 

EMORY   
...bodacious...wet-lipped -- 

FOCUS on LILY. 

LILY   
Can we get on with this? 

BACK to EMORY. 

EMORY   
Darling -- if I don't make it out of   
this...(louder, directed towards Harrison)   
of which there is little chance, but   
nonetheless...(back to towards April) just   
remember...that we'll always have Mr.   
Cluck's. 

HARRISON   
(quiet)   
Mr. Cluck's? 

April's face lights up. 

TUNA   
Our first date...you remembered.   
God, that's so...hot! 

Emory winks at her as she starts to walk away. 

TUNA   
Good luck, my love. 

She turns to Harrison and shouts in his face. 

TUNA   
Rot in hell, homewrecker! 

April re-joins the line of onlookers. 

Nicole steps up to Harrison. 

NICOLE   
You remember what I taught you? 

HARRISON   
Aim for the head and keep shooting. 

EMORY   
(turns head towards Nicole)   
But, we only get one bullet. 

NICOLE   
(patronizing)   
Right...you do. 

She pats Harrison on the chest as Emory turns back, worried. 

NICOLE   
Welp, good luck! 

Nicole joins the onlookers as the focus is on Harrison and Emory. Sugar Daddy walks behind   
them. 

SUGAR DADDY   
Pieces up. 

Harrison and Emory raise their guns up. 

HARRISON   
(quiet, to Emory)   
We really *don't* have to do this -- 

SUGAR DADDY   
Hush, scrubs. I will soon step back,   
and at the stroke of noon I will start   
counting down from ten, wherefore the   
both of you are to take ten paces from   
your point of origin. When I reach one,   
you will turn, point, and shoot. He who   
is left standing will be the one who wins   
the hand of the fair Miss Tuna. 

He steps back. He looks at his pocketwatch, and the little hand touches and passes noon. 

SUGAR DADDY   
Ten...nine...eight... 

Harrison and Emory take broad goose steps from eachother, guns raised. CUT to CROWD,   
where everyone looks increasingly worried; Brooke, Carmen, and Sam squeeze eachothers'   
hands. 

SUGAR DADDY   
...seven...six...five... 

Mary Cherry sobs into Miss Glass's coat jacket. Miss Glass offers her a hankerchief and she   
blows. 

SUGAR DADDY   
...four...three...two... 

Nicole files her nails. Miss Glass elbows her hard and she reluctantly stops. 

SUGAR DADDY   
...one! 

The boys turn and fire. FOCUS on each of their faces, ZOOM on their eyes. 

CUT to CROWD, gasping. 

Both boys fall back, grabbing their chests. Harrison is knocked out cold. 

MARY CHERRY   
Joe!!! 

Emory is knocked back, also. April rushes to him. 

BACK to Harrison. Sam and Nicole bend to him. 

SAM   
(crying)   
Harrison...Harrison! OhmiGod, Harrison! 

OVER to APRIL and EMORY. Emory removes his hand; there is lots of blood gushing out from a   
chest wound, as April supports his head in her lap. 

EMORY   
April...I'm...I'm hurt...bad. 

TUNA   
DUH, Einstein! Well...what am I   
supposed to do now? 

EMORY   
Just...let me...have peace in your   
arms.... 

TUNA   
(crying)   
Oh Emory...how could you do this...how   
could you do this to us...to me...to...   
wait a darn tootin' minute. How COULD   
you do this, you dumbass! 

CUT to HARRISON and the girls. Sam supports his head in her lap. 

SAM   
Oh my God, Harrison, wake up...please   
wake up, Harrison! 

BROOKE   
Is he dead? 

MARY CHERRY   
(wailing)   
Oh Joe, WHY, oh WHY did you have to   
leave me? Oh Joe! 

Mary Cherry continues to wail hysterically as she kneels next to him, pounding his chest   
once...then twice...then a third time really hard. She shakes her hands like she hit something   
solid and it hurt. 

MARY CHERRY   
Ow! 

Harrison coughs, his eyes flutter open and he removes his hand from his chest. There is a   
hole, but no blood. Dumbfounded, Mary Cherry rips his shirt open to reveal a bullet-proof   
vest. 

HARRISON   
(toward Mary Cherry)   
Um -- OW! 

Nicole leans over in to his field of vision. 

NICOLE   
Congratulations, stud. You get to   
spend the rest of your high school   
days getting your tuna straight from   
the can. How does it feel to be the   
winner of a loser? 

HARRISON   
But I didn't even want...ohmiGod,   
Emory... 

He sits up. 

HARRISON   
Emory?! 

April stands, kicking Emory's slowly dying body. 

TUNA   
You idiot! How could you do this to   
me? Get up! Get up! I said, GET UP,   
you LOSER! 

ZOOM on Emory's face as he moans. 

APRIL TUNA'S LIVE VOICE start to mingle with April's "dream voice" as Emory continues to take   
April's kicks. 

EMORY   
April...no...April.... 

DISSOLVE to 

INT. KENNEDY HIGH - BRING BACK FREAKS & GEEKS CLUB MEETING - AFTERNOON/EARLY   
EVENING 

TUNA (O.S.)   
Get up, you loser! Get up! 

EMORY   
No, please, no more -- 

APRIL TUNA smacks Emory's arm as he startles awake. The rest of the Bring Back Freaks &   
Geeks Club are hastily filing out of the room. 

EMORY   
I'm sorry, I must've dozed off -- 

TUNA   
You sure as HECK did. You missed the   
weekly progress report of our all-important   
write-in campaigns! While you...snored   
through our meeting we concluded that the   
next target of our praise-filled prose should be Mr.   
John Francis Daley, currently of The Geena   
Davis Show. We agreed that he, being a current   
cast member of a mediocre family sitcom on   
one of the BIG THREE, wields the most power   
to urge network executives to bring the show   
back with new episodes. What the heck is   
wrong with you, Emory Dick? 

EMORY   
I haven't had much sleep lately, my little   
cornflower. I've...had much on my mind. 

April looks concerned, but puzzled. Emory moves closer. 

EMORY   
Miss Tuna...ever since you and I...well, have been   
"close" these days, it seems that my thoughts have   
been preoccupied with your activities. 

TUNA   
Did I do something to upset you? 

EMORY   
No -- I don't know. You tell me. 

He takes her hand. 

EMORY   
I understand that this is all new for you -- as   
it is for me. And I understand that perhaps   
the both of us are a little overwhelmed at the   
notion of "dating" or "going steady", so...   
sometimes we act out in the form of...polyamory. 

April looks like she's about to cry. 

TUNA   
Did...did you...cheat on me? 

EMORY   
Of course not. But you...you can tell me   
anything and I won't be angry at you. 

TUNA   
You...you think *I* cheated on *you*? 

EMORY   
Well, as I said, I would understand -- 

April unexpectedly slaps him across the face; he screams like a woman. She quickly and   
angrily stands up. 

TUNA   
Emory Dick! I am so...so...MAD   
at you! I suggest that you allow at   
LEAST 24 hours for my wrath to   
pass before you attempt to contact   
me in any medium! 

She turns to leave as Emory clasps his cheek. 

INT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY 

APRIL TUNA rushes down the hall and nearly bowls SAM over. Sam shrugs it off and happens   
upon JOSH putting up one of Lily's posters. 

SAM   
Hey, Josh. 

JOSH   
Oh hey, Sam. 

SAM   
Have you seen George anywhere? 

JOSH   
Naw, I've been too busy puttin' up   
these posters to notice anything else. 

SAM   
Mmm. I see. 

JOSH   
There. I was doin' so well with these that I went   
and Xeroxed a whole bunch more...I put up   
TWICE the number of posters she gave me. 

SAM   
Congratulations, Josh. You've   
successfully wasted megawallspace.   
And though I first have to say that your efforts   
to become more socially responsible are   
impressive, you are unfortunately   
exhibiting the classic signs of Tubby Hubby. 

JOSH   
Tubby? Whoa, am I really getting   
that fat? 

SAM   
It has little to do with fat, Josh. It has to   
do with the fact that you're cool...but you're   
also whipped. And the fact that Lily   
can just crack open your lid and dip her   
finger in to take a biiiiiig dollop out of you   
at will is simply horrifying. 

BROOKE enters, concerned. 

BROOKE   
Hey Josh, Sam...Sam, you have a   
minute? 

SAM   
I'm actually on my way to find George -- 

BROOKE   
It'll only take a minute. 

SAM   
(sighs)   
Sure.   
(to Josh)   
Sorry. 

JOSH   
Hey, no problem. 

Brooke & Sam leave Josh there, as Lily comes along. Josh looks thoroughly confused. 

LILY   
Hey baaaby...what was that all about? 

JOSH   
Something about cream...anyway,   
I got all your posters up. 

LILY   
Awww, sweeeeetie..! Now all you have   
to do is help set up for the meeting! 

Lily jumps up and hugs him, as he hears a LOUD CRACKING of a whip. 

FOCUS over to BROOKE and SAM as they head their way into The Novak. 

BROOKE   
We've got to do something about   
Nicole. 

SAM   
What needs to be done about   
Nicole is far beyond any legal   
risks I'm willing to take. 

BROOKE   
This is serious, Sam. She's moved in   
with her mother...Shaggy. 

SAM   
What? I thought you guys were   
kidding about that. 

BROOKE   
Did we LOOK like we were kidding?   
(pauses)   
Sam...you know how it was when I found   
my mother. But this is Nicole we're talking   
about. 

SAM   
So? So she moved in with the lunch hag   
who just happens to be her mother --   
there's not much either of us can do about that. 

BROOKE   
Yes, but you know she's going to get hurt. 

SAM   
How? By breaking one of her nails while actually   
doing her own laundry? 

BROOKE   
She's already hurting. She's hurting more than I   
ever had, Sam. God, Sam -- at least *I* had   
*some* idea of where I came from and who my   
parents were. It's like...Nic was living her whole   
life in this big...lie. Look...I know you're busy   
with your own stuff, but could you at least be   
available to me if I need you to help me with   
this? 

Sam nods her head. 

BROOKE   
She's really not the monster she was before. 

SAM   
Well, you know what Claw said. Things aren't   
always as they seem. 

Just then, APRIL TUNA bursts into The Novak -- and MARY CHERRY follows. 

MARY CHERRY   
TROUBLED TUNA, comin' through! 

April ducks into a stall and slams the door behind her. Mary Cherry talks through the door. 

MARY CHERRY   
There, there, Miss Geisha Girl...   
I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. 

TUNA   
(inside the stall)   
Your...kind words are of little comfort   
to me at this turbulent time, Mary Cherry --   
but I do applaud your efforts. C...could you   
get...Mr. Harrison John for me? 

Sam's head turns. 

SAM   
What's the deal with you guys and Harrison? 

April's head pops up at the top of the door stall. 

TUNA   
Well -- Miss McNosey! Since you chose to quash   
Mr. Harrison John's hopes for a chance to be   
with the grunge goddess that he worships and opt for a   
fleeting romance with Kennedy High's star quarterback,   
George Austin, I and Miss Mary Cherry are only   
serving to pick up the pieces of his otherwise   
shattered heart by occupying his time with a diversion   
worthy of his talents! 

Mary Cherry nods her head accordingly. 

TUNA   
So MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! 

April ducks down again. 

MARY CHERRY   
(quietly, condescendingly)   
Could you give us a minute? 

Sam and Brooke leave The Novak. 

SAM   
I will help you in whatever way that I   
can, but I really have to find George. 

Sam's cellphone rings. 

SAM   
That's probably him. 

BROOKE   
It could be Harrison. 

SAM   
Brooke -- 

BROOKE   
Well, what April Tuna said was -- 

Sam answers her phone. 

SAM   
Hello? 

CUT TO GEORGE at a payphone. 

GEORGE   
Sam? 

INTERCUT - SAM/GEORGE 

SAM   
George! I've been looking for you all   
over the place. Where are you? 

GEORGE   
I can't really talk right now, Sammie...   
I just wanted to let you know that I   
won't be around tonight, but I'll see   
you at school tomorrow, okay? 

SAM   
Um...okay. 

GEORGE   
Are...you okay, Sam? 

SAM   
Uh, yeah...it's just that...never mind.   
Tomorrow in class. Got it. 

GEORGE   
Good -- oh, gotta run. Catcha later. 

SAM   
Yup...later. 

Sam shuts off her cell. Brooke looks like she's about to say something. 

SAM   
I don't want to talk about whatever it is   
you're about to bring up. 

BROOKE   
Sam! 

Sam leaves her in the hall.   


INT. SHAGGY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 

NICOLE'S EYES are still fixed wide open, shocked. She, TERRI GLASS, and SHAGGY sit around   
the livingroom. Terri Glass and Shaggy continue to dip into the cartons of Chinese food while   
Nicole stares at Terri. Terri takes notice, just as she's looping a disgustingly wiggly piece of   
noodle around her tongue. Nicole would gag, but she's too shocked. Terri swallows and   
addresses Nicole. 

TERRI GLASS   
Yuh haven't even touched yer...   
whut is that? 

There's nothing but a celery stick and a cracker on Nicole's plate. 

NICOLE   
(really fast, still staring at Terri)   
It's a vegetable something that is   
obviously a foreign object to you   
Shaggy you didn't tell me enough   
about your auntie here so why don't   
you tell me now and don't leave out any   
details 'cuz I'm curious to know   
why you left this part out when we   
talked. 

SHAGGY   
I didn't think it was that important.   
I just figured you'd meet the   
family as we got closer. 

NICOLE   
Yeah, hi, that's a nice flowery   
concept but we're not exactly   
the Waltons here what exactly   
did you say your name was,   
"auntie"? 

Shaggy grows a little uncomfortable. 

SHAGGY   
I'll let you two get aquainted...if you're   
not gonna eat, I'll just clean this up for   
you. 

Shaggy starts taking all the cartons up, with exception to Terri, who growls at her when she   
reaches for her plate. 

TERRI GLASS   
Terr'...Terr' Glass. You can   
jist call me "Tee". 

NICOLE   
Yeah, Mr. T. -- Sir -- you   
wouldn't happen to have any   
sisters or brothers...cousins?   
Children out of wedlock? 

TERRI GLASS   
Well...if I do then I don't keepa   
contact. I myself never marred   
an' the only one I worry about here   
is my Shaggeh. She's the only one   
who seems t've made anythin' of   
'erself. You, though...purty little gal   
with dem sparkle blue eyes...you   
seem ta hava potintial. 

NICOLE   
At least that's what everybody   
tells me. 

TERRI GLASS   
It's true! 

A cuckoo clock goes off. 

TERRI GLASS   
Aww, izza time fer yer   
bedtimes, gals. 

Terri Glass moves to get up, but Nicole stops her. 

NICOLE   
Wait -- 

TERRI GLASS   
Mmm? 

NICOLE   
Why now? Why do you think that...someone   
somewhere thought it was time for me to   
find out who I really am? 

TERRI GLASS   
I'ma gonna tell yuh what I told yer momma   
when she asked me the same thang longo...   
it was time to start LIVIN' the life that   
yer givin'...not worryin' whut others think.   
Otherwise, mightaswellbe tha walkin' dead.   
You a wonderin' what'd be like t'do sumthin?   
Do it! N' show no regrets...the past is past.   
People make mistakes. People learn.   
People furgive. That's whut's life 'sbout. 

Terri Glass gets up to leave. She reaches for the light. 

TERRI GLASS   
G'night, baby. Cat come   
wake y'up, teller shoo, 'kay? 

NICOLE   
Um...yeah, g'night. 

Nicole lies back on the couch and stares into the dark, deep in thought.   


INT. KENNEDY HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY 

NICOLE, looking absolutely gorgeous, struts down the hall towards a HARRISON and APRIL   
TUNA. BROOKE approaches from the other end, but before Nicole can see her, ducks behind   
the corner and listens in on their conversation. 

HARRISON   
Hey, Nicole -- 

NICOLE   
Tuna -- privacy, please? 

Harrison nods his head at Tuna. 

TUNA   
I guess...I will see you later, Harrison   
John. 

HARRISON   
(waves at her)   
Later.   
(turns attention to Nicole)   
What's up, Nicole. 

He's smiling, but his smile disappears when he notices that she's not wearing her horseshoe   
pin, even though he is wearing his. 

HARRISON   
You're not...wearing your -- 

NICOLE   
Oh, yeah, I know, I didn't   
want it to clash with my outfit. 

Harrison looks disappointed. 

NICOLE   
Now now. I said that I would   
wear it and I am.   
(pulls him into the doorway of a classroom)   
I'm just not wearing it anywhere...   
visible. 

She moves her books aside. Her cleavage seems a little more than usual today. Harrison   
gulps nervously. 

HARRISON   
I give...what did you want   
to see me about? 

Brooke continues to listen from the corner. 

NICOLE   
Well. You remember what you approached   
me about... 

HARRISON   
...and you turned me down. 

NICOLE   
Right. 

HARRISON   
Ooooh, I get it -- you aren't wearing our   
unifying horseshoe because you thought   
up a brilliant dig on me for my pathetic   
awkward idiocy that day -- 

NICOLE   
I wanna know if you're still interested. 

HARRISON   
--and how STUPID I felt -- uh...   
excuse me? 

NICOLE   
I repeat: Are you still interested? 

Harrison looks around, nervous. There's no one in the hall and they're late for class. 

HARRISON   
You...want to know if I'm   
interested so you can make   
fun of me again? 

NICOLE   
Not at all. 

HARRISON   
(even more nervous)   
Th...this is a joke, right? It's   
April Fool's -- 

Brooke rushes off to chemistry class, as their conversation becomes too quiet for her to hear. 

NICOLE   
Look --   
(quieter, pulling him close)   
-- this is the real thing, baby. Your   
initiation into manhood is just a short,   
one word answer away. Pop quiz, stud:   
You can A) do it with some skanky   
crack whore from the strip for twenty   
bucks, B) spank it for the rest of your   
life while you fantasize about a gal who   
passed her best friend over for some beefy   
jock, or C) do it with someone with whom   
you already have a close connection   
to, and...and who actually cares   
enough about you to make sure it's   
done right. That said -- are you...   
still...interested? 

HARRISON   
(almost squeaky)   
Yeah. 

NICOLE   
One condition. 

HARRISON   
Wh...what? 

NICOLE   
Just like I'm keeping that dirty little   
secret about your email to me, you   
will keep OUR dirty little secret to   
ourselves. Got it? 

HARRISON   
D...d...uh, okay. Yeah, okay. 

Nicole turns from serious to completely light and smiley. 

NICOLE   
So -- busy tonight?   


END OF ACT 2 


	4. Act Three

**APRIL'S FOOL: ** ACT 3 

BLACK SCREEN. 

EMORY'S VOICE   
(overly dramatic)   
John. John, can...you...hear me? 

TUNA'S VOICE   
I believe he is waking up, Sir. 

Slowly, HARRISON'S EYES flutter open. 

EXT. SOME DISTANT PLANET - UNKNOWN TIME OF DAY 

HARRISON sees EMORY, TUNA, and BROOKE looming over him, as he is lying on the ground. All of them are wearing Classic Star Trek uniforms -- the sky is red. 

EMORY   
Bones! Conduct a full body   
scan on Mr. John. 

Brooke looks at him with disdain. 

EMORY   
What? 

BROOKE   
You know I don't like being called   
that. 

EMORY   
Sorry. McQueen. Please conduct   
a full body scan of Mr. John. 

HARRISON   
Huh? 

Harrison attempts to sit up, but April Tuna pushes him back while Brooke uses a tricorder -- a tricorder that looks shockingly like a Nokia cellphone -- to scan his body. 

BROOKE   
He's O.K. 

She helps him up. Harrison realizes that he too is dressed in an original series Star Trek uniform. 

HARRISON   
What the hell is going on here? 

EMORY   
Stardate 3372.7: Make note that   
Mr. John is all right after having   
passed out before the Koonutkaliffee. 

As Harrison looks around, he realizes that he's not even on earth. The area is surrounded by giant reddish rocks, and even looks like a cheap soundstage from the 60's. NICOLE is there, dressed in a gorgeous silver beaded dress. BOBBI GLASS is dressed in a rather fancy DRESS also, with an oddly-shaped headdress. The only other person present is STONE COLD, dressed scantily and showing much muscle. Harrison is in awe, but also terribly confused. 

HARRISON   
Someone remind me to spend a   
little less time around April   
Tuna. 

TUNA   
Excuse me, Mr. John -- Sir? 

HARRISON   
N...nothing. Um...Emory? Why   
are we here? Wait a sec -- Miss   
Glass? 

BOBBI GLASS/T'CLAW   
I know of no female being of which you   
call Miss Glass. I am T'Claw, respected   
member of the high counsel of Virgin. 

Emory turns to Brooke. 

EMORY   
Are you sure Mr. John did not   
suffer any damage during the   
fainting spell? 

BROOKE   
Clean as a whistle -- Captain.   
(pauses)   
Uh, though he could have suffered   
temporary memory loss that the   
tricorder didn't pick up. 

HARRISON   
Okay, what the HELL is going on here??? 

BOBBI GLASS/T'CLAW   
QUIET, half-breed. We are to commence   
with the Kookala -- the Konutali -- the   
Kookatali -- the deflowering ceremony   
immediately. 

Nicole steps forward and looks Harrison up and down; she walks around him and examines his facial features in the light. She sneers, shrugs, and walks away. 

NICOLE/T'FLING   
Hm. Why should I make it easy on   
HIM? I'd rather sleep with Stone   
over here than that scrawny little   
piece of Virgin flesh. 

T'CLAW   
Are you saying that you want him   
to fight to the death for your affections   
in a testosterone-charged exposition   
of his male prowess? 

April, Brooke, Emory, and Harrison are each taken aback. 

NICOLE/T'FLING   
Precisely. 

T'CLAW   
Ooooh-kay, T'Fling here has invoked   
her right for her mate to fight to the   
death for her affections. She also has   
the right to choose her mate's opponent. 

After little deliberation.... 

T'FLING   
(nodding towards Emory)   
I think watching Opie over there get   
the crap beat out of him will be fun to   
watch. 

T'CLAW   
Okay then. Sug, the weapons. 

BROOKE   
You can't do that! 

T'CLAW   
I am a revered member of the counsel.   
Of course I can. 

SUGAR DADDY materializes from behind a rock with two large sticks and grabs Emory by the scruff of the neck and dumps him in the center of the ring. He hands him a stick, and then hands Harrison the other stick. 

HARRISON   
Wait a minute -- I don't want to fight   
him! 

T'CLAW   
That's too bad, pencil neck. You have   
to. 

HARRISON   
And what if I don't? 

T'CLAW   
We'll kill you. 

HARRISON   
Good reason. 

T'CLAW   
When I say "begin", you two are to   
commence fighting.   
(looking at Emory)   
Remember...it IS a fight to the death   
and the loser gets to go back to their   
home planet in disgrace. Not that I'm   
taking bets -- er, sides. 

Nicole/T'Fling comes over to the two boys and tip-toes to kiss Harrison on the lips; his eyes widen. 

T'FLING   
Good luck, John.   
(looking at Emory)   
Not that you'll need it. 

Nicole rejoins Bobbi Glass, Stone, and Sugar Daddy off to the side. 

EMORY   
(quiet)   
John. I want you to do what   
you have to do. Don't worry   
about me.   
(pause)   
I can take it. 

T'CLAW   
Begin! 

Harrison roars and rushes towards Emory, wielding the stick high in the air and bringing it down hard. FOCUS on April and Brooke as they wince at the cracking sound and Emory's girly, high-pitched scream. FOCUS on Bobbi Glass (et al) as they startle to the sound of the stick cracking on Emory's body. BACK to Harrison as he pants, sweaty, still holding the stick. He glances back at April and Brooke, who've covered their eyes. He then glances at Nicole, who gives him a wink. His vision starts to go blurry. 

T'CLAW   
You've won the right to be part   
of the same family as they are   
similar in appearance, but one is   
more malleable than the other, Mr.   
John. 

HARRISON   
Huh? 

T'CLAW   
Mr. John? 

Harrison suddenly feels woozy, then feels like he's falling... 

BOBBI GLASS (V.O.)   
Mr. John. 

CUT TO 

INT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - CHEMISTRY CLASS - DAY 

BOBBI GLASS   
(slapping her hand on his books)   
MR. JOHN! 

HARRISON   
Jim! 

HARRISON suddenly snaps awake, his head nearly falling back. The class chuckles. NICOLE (his lab partner) slyly winks at him. 

BOBBI GLASS   
As I was saying -- before I was   
so rudely interrupted by the   
gargling quake-like snores of   
Mr. Harrison Bored, here... 

As Miss Glass speaks, Harrison finds himself nervously stealing glances at Nicole. 

BOBBI GLASS   
...the other day I presented to you   
the idea of investigation as a   
means to determine the differentiating   
characteristics of two objects that   
look alike and the concept of being   
misled by outward appearances because   
of such superficial similarities.   
Today, I want to really screw you up   
and present to you the exact opposite. 

The class groans. Nicole catches his stare -- and twists her body TOWARDS him. Harrison tries to ignore her, but she's got her legs crossed, the tip of her slingback brushing his leg as she files her nails. 

BOBBI GLASS   
Don't wet your diapers just yet, kids.   
It's a similar process -- investigation --   
that'll lead you to the conclusion that   
things that appear totally different on   
the outside will indeed share identical   
internal characteristics. Can anyone   
give me an example of this? 

MARY CHERRY raises her hand. 

BOBBI GLASS   
Cherry. Don't bomb this one. 

MARY CHERRY   
Miss Glass, Sir...water and ice have the   
same exact composition, though one of them   
is a liquid -- 

Harrison starts to sweat profusely as there's obviously something going on under his desk. 

MARY CHERRY   
-- and the other is a SOLID. 

Harrison gulps as his eyes volley nervously back and forth. 

BOBBI GLASS   
And the lady finally wins the prize. 

The bell rings. 

BOBBI GLASS   
Read up, people...you're gonna   
need it.   


The students gather their books and shuffle out of class -- all except for Harrison. 

HARRISON   
Um, Nicole -- 

Nicole turns. 

HARRISON   
(quiet)   
Um...my uh...my mom is uh...   
well, she's um...sh-she's   
going to be gone for the   
night -- big date, don't   
expect her home and I...I was   
wondering -- 

Nicole leans in. 

NICOLE   
(quiet)   
Pick me up no later than seven.   
(turns to leave, turns back)   
Don't be late. 

HARRISON   
(nervous smile)   
I...I won't. 

Nicole watches Harrison exit, one of his books casually concealing the front of his pants. Her expression turns serious as she watches Miss Glass put away her planner. She slowly approaches her. 

NICOLE   
Miss Glass, Sir. Do you have a   
moment? 

BOBBI GLASS   
Make it quick, Ms. Julian. I got   
a smoothie settling in the teacher's   
lounge. 

NICOLE   
Then I'll get straight to the   
point. How big is your family? 

BOBBI GLASS   
Come again? 

NICOLE   
Perhaps I phrased that wrong. What   
I meant to say was -- 

BOBBI GLASS   
Miss Julian. I'm aware of your current   
situation with your family...my heart   
goes out to you. It truly does. But   
as far as I'm concerned, my brother   
Rock is the only other Glass to grace   
this fine earth. 

NICOLE   
So...you don't know of anyone else? 

BOBBI GLASS   
Aside from my murderous sister, no. 

Nicole stares at her. 

NICOLE   
Well, you have me. 

Miss Glass looks at her quizzically. 

NICOLE   
Well, you know, when Uncle Tippy   
came by that one time I did somewhat   
claim you as my own, didn't I? 

BOBBI GLASS   
(softening...somewhat)   
Yes, you did. You are my family.   
Now Miss Julian, please excuse me   
while I purge myself of these warm   
fuzzies and salvage what's left of my   
now congealed smoothie and Egg McMuffin. 

Nicole watches Miss Glass amble out of the room.   


INT. KENNEDY HIGH CAFETERIA - DAY 

SAM sits alone. GEORGE slides his books onto the table and sits down. 

GEORGE   
Hey, stranger. I've been missing   
you 'round lately. 

SAM   
Me? Just ask Brooke -- I'm   
the one who's been trying to   
get ahold of you lately, but   
you're never around. Have...   
have you been avoiding me? 

GEORGE   
Naw, I've just been busy with a   
little secret project. 

SAM   
Secret, huh? Care to share this   
secret with me? 

GEORGE   
I can't. I was sworn to secrecy   
about it. 

Sam nods her head. 

GEORGE   
I figure...that since you have your   
secrets...that it'd be O.K. for me   
to have mine. 

SAM   
What? What's that supposed to mean? 

GEORGE   
Well...lately when I'm with you I feel   
as though you're keeping something from   
me. Something that I ought to know. 

SAM   
What makes you say that? 

GEORGE   
Silence says alot of things, Sam. 

Sam becomes nervous. 

SAM   
No, nothing's...George, come on. I've   
just been a little preoccupied, that's   
all. I just haven't felt like talking   
much lately. 

GEORGE   
So there IS a problem. 

Sam shakes her head, smiling nervously. 

GEORGE   
The Sam McPherson I know can talk forever   
and a day about nothing and make it   
sound interesting.   
(pauses)   
Look, Sam...if something's bothering you,   
you might try telling me...maybe I can   
help you work it out. 

SAM   
You haven't been around much for me to   
even try. 

GEORGE   
Well, maybe that's because when I *am*   
with you I don't feel like you're   
really *with me*.   
(sighs)   
I don't want to get into an argument,   
Sam. 

SAM   
(looks at her watch)   
Oh, God -- I had to be somewhere like,   
five minutes ago. Can we talk later   
about this? 

GEORGE   
Sure, Sam. Give me a call when you   
actually do wanna talk. 

Sam gets up, staring at him; she nervously walks away.   


INT. KENNEDY HIGH - HALLWAY 

SAM books it into 

THE NOVAK 

where NICOLE stands, applying her lip gloss. Sam turns, but stays. 

NICOLE   
Don't leave on account of me, Spam.   
I think this Novak's big enough to   
hold both Beauty and the Beast. 

SAM   
(almost in tears)   
Nicole, Brooke has been really   
worried about you. Why don't you   
go talk to her. 

NICOLE   
Brookie doesn't need to worry   
about me. I can take care of   
myself.   
(looks her over)   
You, on the other hand, look like you   
need a little help.   
(pauses)   
It's the Harrison thing, isn't it. 

SAM   
I don't wanna talk about it, Nicole. 

NICOLE   
You know, if you're really this broken up   
about it, perhaps you should do something   
to fix it. 

Sam shakes her head. 

NICOLE   
(sighs)   
Then again, it could be too late. 

SAM   
What's that supposed to mean? 

NICOLE   
Nothing. It's just that...it looks like he's   
picked up and moved on.   
(starts to leave, turns)   
Just like you wanted. 

Nicole leaves Sam standing at the mirror. Sam looks deep into her own eyes and hears Harrison's words over and over again in her head. 

HARRISON   
(V.O.)   
I love you, Sam. That, I   
know is true. I love you. 

Sam breaks down in tears.   


EXT. KENNEDY HIGH - THE REMAINS OF THE FOREVER TREE - AFTERNOON 

HARRISON sits nervously on the stump. 

In the distance, EMORY is in complete camouflage, hidden in a bush, watching him. He's got a camcorder. 

EMORY (O.S.)   
(quiet)   
Operation Canned Tuna, 1400 hours:   
The Mark is in sight and visibly   
nervous. He is looking around...   
no doubt to see if anyone can see   
him waiting for her...waiting for   
my love...MY fiery-haired goddess   
of sensuality...the bastard...oo,   
there she is...she's coming. 

BACK to HARRISON. APRIL TUNA approaches. 

HARRISON   
Hey, April. 

TUNA   
Harrison. 

HARRISON   
You...you didn't tell anyone   
about this, did you? 

TUNA   
I am insulted at your implication,   
Harrison. When April Tuna makes   
a solemn oath to uphold the truth   
and keep a close friend's secret,   
that she will do -- don't be so   
paranoid! 

HARRISON   
Okay, okay, God, I'm sorry...so   
...were you able to get everything -- 

TUNA   
Everything you asked for PLUS some,   
my nascent sex master. 

April reaches in her bag, pulls out items, and hands them to Harrison -- with much more fanfare than he'd prefer. 

TUNA   
Sandalwood scented candles --   
floating lily-shaped AND votive.   
(pauses)   
Peppermint incense for a contrasting   
olfactory experience.   
(pauses)   
Deep-penetrating tantric massage   
oil. Kiwi flavored. And...   
(pauses, digging a little deeper)   
...one box of rather large-sized   
prophylactics. 

Emory gasps as he zooms in on the box. 

EMORY (O.S.)   
The smoking gun! 

Emory is struck speechless and starts rustling in the bush. Someone throws a glass juice bottle out into the bushes and it hits him square in the head -- he teeters on his heels and falls onto his behind. 

Harrison rips it out of her hands and stuffs the box in his bag. April gives him "the look". 

TUNA   
Ooo, Harrison John. We've   
become so close these past   
few days...I so wish you would   
tell me who the lucky damsel is   
who gets to charter your sofar   
unexplored Dawson-esque physique. 

Harrison blushes. 

HARRISON   
I...I can't, April. I made a   
promise. 

TUNA   
A true gentleman doesn't kiss   
and tell. You, my friend, are   
a true gentleman. 

HARRISON   
And you're a true friend,   
April. I really appreciate   
your help. 

TUNA   
Anything for a great guy who   
has helped ME. 

She does her "live long and prosper" hand gesture; Harrison reciprocates and takes off. 

She then starts towards the steps where Emory's been hiding. 

Emory leaps out of the brush, still fully camouflaged, startling her. 

EMORY   
Ah ha! I've caught you red-handed   
in your lurid deception, Miss Tuna! 

TUNA   
What the hell are you talking about,   
Emory Dick? 

EMORY   
I saw you...meeting with him. I've   
got the whole sordid thing on tape! 

TUNA   
You...you were spying on me? 

EMORY   
Spying is such a harsh word. I prefer   
to call it "relationship maintenance". 

TUNA   
Well, maintain THIS, Dick -- according to   
Seventeen magazine, TRUST is the cornerstone   
of a healthy relationship, and what I'm   
seeing here isn't healthy at all. In fact...   
it's pretty SICK. 

EMORY   
But...I've got it all on tape. 

TUNA   
There is nothing incriminating on that tape   
in regards to my relations with Harrison   
John. If you feel you need to use it against   
me in some fashion to...stroke your ego about   
how clever you are, go ahead. It won't be   
the only thing you'll be stroking alone tonight.   
(turns to leave, but turns back)   
And while you revel in the consequences of   
your misguided actions, you should also take into   
consideration that perhaps Mr. John -- your   
truest and bluest *friend* -- would be terribly   
distressed when he finds out what you've accused   
him of, without sufficient facts from this...at best...   
FLIMSY investigation! 

She leaves Emory standing alone, camouflage-brush and paint covered in the middle of the walkway.   


INT. ROBIN JOHN'S CAR - NIGHT 

HARRISON pulls up with NICOLE to his house. He puts on the parking break and gulps. There is a tense silence between them as he stares into the dashboard. 

NICOLE   
Well, we're here. 

HARRISON   
Y...yeah, we're here. This is   
my house. Uh...but you already   
knew that, I mean, it's not like   
you've never seen it before -- 

NICOLE   
You know Harrison...if you don't   
want to do this -- 

HARRISON   
(finally looks at her)   
Oh, nonononono, I'm good, I'm   
ready...but I *am* nervous.   
(pauses)   
Oh, man, I forgot! 

He clumsily reaches into the back seat and pulls a small bouquet of flowers, a little gold box, and a shopping bag out. 

HARRISON   
I got you something. 

NICOLE   
Flowers and candy? How   
utterly sweet. 

HARRISON   
Wuh...well, yeah, you know,   
the whole romance thing, but   
I also got you something else. 

Nicole opens the bag and takes out a pretty giftbox, complete with shiny bow. 

NICOLE   
Harrison. You don't have to   
suck up to me at this point.   
You've already got a free pass. 

HARRISON   
It's not a suck-up gift, Nicole.   
(pauses)   
I know this night may not be...as   
special as it is for you as it is   
for me, but...I still wanted to at   
least try. So...please...open it. 

Nicole is eager at first, but hesitates and stares out the window for a second, her hand poised to open the box. She snaps out of it and opens it -- it's a BEAUTIFUL silver choker with a heart motif. She stares at it and then stares out the window again. Harrison's expression fades. 

HARRISON   
You don't like it. 

NICOLE   
No, that's not the problem.   
I love it. 

HARRISON   
Y...you do? 

NICOLE   
(looks at him)   
No one's ever cared enough to...   
care the way you do, Harrison.   
(looks away again)   
I guess I'm pretty new to this, too. 

Nicole sinks into thought for a moment again, then turns back to him. 

NICOLE   
Welp. Shall we? 

Harrison smiles widely and excitedly and opens his door to get out. 

END OF ACT 3   
  
  



	5. Act Four

**APRIL'S FOOL: ** ACT 4 

INT. HARRISON JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT 

HARRISON'S HAND lights the last candle in his candle-filled room, and he joins NICOLE as she sits at the edge of the bed. She's pulled her silver trenchcoat tightly around her as she stares at the floor. Harrison clears his throat. She snaps out of thought and turns to him. 

NICOLE   
Welp, let's get to it. 

She stands up and unfastens the belt to her trench -- she's wearing nothing but a subduedly-styled black ensemble (camisole and panties), complete with hose and garters underneath it. 

NICOLE   
What d'you think of my   
outfit? 

HARRISON   
It's uh...it's uh...it's v...very   
sexy...a...as usual. 

NICOLE   
I know. 

She starts towards him, but he stands up. 

HARRISON   
Nicole, wait. 

NICOLE   
Already? Well, I kinda knew you'd chicken   
out -- 

HARRISON   
It's not that at all, Nicole.   
(pauses)   
It's just that I don't want this to be like some   
cheesy quarter-reel porn where "the woman"   
gets to take complete control over "the virgin",   
you know?   
(pauses)   
I want it to mean something...I want it...   
I want it to be special for you, too. 

Nicole's a little puzzled (and a little touched), but self-assuredly cocks her head. 

NICOLE   
Okay, I'll play. 

Harrison hesitates. He then takes his shirt off over his head. 

HARRISON   
I...I know I don't look like -- 

NICOLE   
Please. I've seen alot worse. 

She waits for his next move; he hesitates again. 

NICOLE   
Well come on now, crouching tiger. Show   
me your hidden dragon. 

Harrison swallows deeply and looks away from her as he drops his pants. She stares at his "features" below the belt for a moment and then snaps out of it. 

NICOLE   
You'll do just fine. 

She starts towards him again and starts to get on her knees, but she's stopped by his hands on her shoulders. 

HARRISON   
Nicole...I told you. No porno. 

He hooks his fingers gently underneath the spaghetti straps of her camisole and caresses her shoulders, caressing rather sensually all the way up her neck. His eyes follow his fingers until they stop at her chin, where he looks soulfully into her eyes. 

She lifts her arms and he takes off her camisole. She meets his stare. 

NICOLE   
(somewhat quiet)   
Well...then...get to it. 

He leans in and kisses her gently on the edge of her slightly parted mouth, then concentrates on trailing the kisses down the path where his fingers went. 

FOCUS on Nicole's face as Harrison kisses further down her body; she closes her eyes and gasps gently. 

NICOLE   
(typical Nicole, but muted delivery)   
Thank you....   


INT. McQUEEN/McPHERSON HOUSE - BROOKE'S ROOM - SAME 

CARMEN sits Indian-style on the floor, furiously scribbling in her notebook as BROOKE sits on her bed with a laptop. 

CARMEN   
You know, I think April's idea of the   
split after the cabbage patch is a little   
over the top, don't you? 

She looks to Brooke, who's busy with her laptop. 

CARMEN   
Brooke? Hello, earth to Brooke. 

BROOKE   
Huh? Oh, sorry, Carm. I was just looking   
something up online. 

CARMEN   
Hm, I see. While you're at it could you   
please look up attention deficit disorder   
and see if it's caused by constant   
preoccupation? 

Brooke shuts the laptop. 

BROOKE   
I'm really sorry, Carm. You probably think   
I'm being a major drag with this Nicole thing,   
huh. 

She goes and sits at her mirror. 

CARMEN   
No, I understand. She's your best friend --   
well, ex-best friend -- but I also understand   
how hard it is to see even your ex-best   
friend do something you don't approve of or   
can't understand. 

Just then, they are startled by a loud noise coming from outside the window across the ways -- Harrison's house. They stop talking and listen for a moment -- they hear the muffled screams of a woman's complete ecstasy. Their mouths drop and they chuckle. 

BROOKE   
Oh...my God...is that what I   
think it is? 

CARMEN   
I think it is...but, where is it coming from? 

BROOKE   
Oh no...that'd be wrong. 

They look at eachother for a split second, then rush to the window. They listen -- they hear more sounds of ecstasy. They look out the window for a few moments, trying to follow the sound with their hearing -- they follow it to Harrison's window, which is blocked by curtains but fully open. Their mouths drop wide open. 

BROOKE   
No way! 

CARMEN   
Yes way, and as far as I can hear he's   
having a GRAND ol' time over there. 

BROOKE   
With who??? 

Just then, SAM comes by Brooke's door. 

SAM   
Hey guys -- um, what are you doing? 

The girls, in shock, swing around and Brooke clumsily shuts the window behind her. 

CARMEN & BROOKE   
We were just -- well, you see -- 

BROOKE   
You know how it gets stuffy in here sometimes -- 

CARMEN   
-- and I just wanted to get some fresh meat --   
air. Yeah, whew! Boy is it stuffy in here. 

SAM   
I see. 

The doorbell rings. Sam & Brooke moan. 

BROOKE   
You know, I'll get that -- 

SAM   
No, that's O.K....I'll get it. But I do need   
to talk to you after, if it's all right with Carmen. 

CARMEN   
Sure, no problem. 

As Sam leaves, Brooke and Carmen stare at eachother in semi-shock...and relief. 

CUT TO 

INT. McQUEEN/McPHERSON HOUSE - FRONT DOOR 

Sam opens the front door -- it's EMORY, dressed in an all-black cat burgler suit. 

SAM   
Emory -- what're you doing here? And why   
are you dressed like a ninja? 

EMORY   
Forgive me for bothering you, Miss McPherson,   
but I happen to be in dire need of your   
assistance. 

SAM   
(exasperated)   
What do you need, Emory? 

EMORY   
I need access to your roof. 

SAM   
Excuse me? 

EMORY   
You see, I'm doing a...geological survey   
of the properties in this neighborhood...for   
extra credit. 

SAM   
Really. Aren't geological surverys done   
on the ground? 

Emory hesitates. 

EMORY   
This is a particularly special one...one   
that's never been done before off ground.   
That's why it's guaranteed extra credit. 

SAM   
Look, Emory -- you've come at a bad   
time and I don't know nor do I care   
what you're *really* up to. Just please...   
leave. 

EMORY   
But I really need -- 

SAM   
Good BYE, Emory. 

She shuts the door in his face. 

EMORY   
-- your help.   
(to himself)   
Not to worry. Plan B in effect as of   
this moment. 

BACK to BROOKE'S ROOM 

Brooke and Carmen are still standing by the window. 

BROOKE   
Are you sure you don't have any clue who Harrison   
is with right now? 

Carmen hedges. 

BROOKE   
Come on, Carm -- spill. 

CARMEN   
Well, I uh -- 

Sam appears at the doorway. 

SAM   
Hey. 

CARMEN   
Oh my, time goes by REAL fast when   
you're having sex -- fun. I mean fun. 

SAM   
What's going on here? 

BROOKE   
It's nothing. Who was that downstairs? 

SAM   
God, you won't believe this...Emory   
Dick just asked me if he could get   
onto our roof for some bogus extra credit   
assignment. 

BROOKE   
That's over the top, even for Emory. 

SAM   
What's going on with him? 

CARMEN   
Well, it'd make sense since he's been   
like, soooo psycho jealous of Harrison. 

Sam and Brooke look to a now regretful Carmen. 

SAM   
Why would he be jealous of Harrison? 

CARMEN   
Well, look at that, you know, I really, REALLY   
have GOT to get going. 

BROOKE   
Carm -- don't do this. If you know something   
we don't know, please. 

CARMEN   
Hey, I don't know anything, no, nothing, I...   
(sensing their skepticism)   
Okay...well, there've been...some rumors.   
(sighs nervously) 

BROOKE   
Rumors to what? 

CARMEN   
(swallows)   
To an affair between him and...and.... 

BROOKE   
And who? 

CARMEN   
(again, regretfully)   
April Tuna. 

Both Sam and Brooke gasp, but then start to laugh. 

BROOKE   
You're not serious.   
(pauses)   
Oh my God, you *are* serious. 

Brooke and Carmen look to Sam, who's slightly amused but shaking her head. 

CARMEN   
(turns to Sam)   
Oh, come on, Sam...they're only rumors. I mean,   
come on...it's April Tuna. 

SAM   
You're right, Carm. But if the rumors were true...   
and I highly doubt that they are...I would be   
happy for him. 

CARMEN   
Well, I guess that'd explain why Emory came over -- 

Brooke kicks her heel. 

CARMEN   
-- yeah, I think it's time for me to go now. See   
you later, Brooke? 

BROOKE   
Yeah...sorry about my ditzyness. 

CARMEN   
(nervous)   
N...no problem, really, I can do most of this   
stuff myself anyway. 

She rushes out. 

Sam shakes her head and laughs self-consciously.   


EXT. McQUEEN/McPHERSON HOUSE - SAME 

Carmen makes it down the walkway towards her car, but can still hear the sounds of sex coming from Harrison's window. She gets to her car, gets out her keys and is STARTLED by APRIL TUNA as she POPS out from nowhere. 

TUNA   
Greetings, Carmen Ferrara! 

CARMEN   
April...you scared the pants off   
of me. 

TUNA   
I apologize for the sudden wake-up   
call to arms. 

CARMEN   
April, if this is yet another request for me   
to join you in whatever it is you've got   
going on, you can just forget it. 

TUNA   
It most certainly is. I must insist, considering   
that my partner in crime is taking a much   
needed break from the rigorous workouts   
I've been giving him. 

Carmen gags. 

TUNA   
You must understand -- I truly need an extra hand   
tonight to help me execute my plans on schedule. 

April is stopped momentarily by the sounds of loud groaning coming from Harrison's window. She smiles slyly at Carmen. 

Carmen reaches an epiphany. 

CARMEN   
Wait a sec...if you're here --   
who's with Harrison? 

TUNA   
Wouldn't *I* like to know!   


EXT. HARRISON JOHN'S HOUSE - TREE LIMB - SAME 

Emory unsteadily holds a camcorder toward's Harrison's window with one hand as he holds onto a limb with another hand. He can't see completely inside, as the curtains block his view -- all he can see is limbs moving. The tape is also picking up all of the audio from the room. 

EMORY   
(muttering)   
Damn those curtains. Perhaps...   
perhaps I should get closer...I must   
get their faces on tape as the final   
evidence of my beloved's betrayal. 

Emory uses both hands to maneuver around the tree. He swings, dangles, and just barely keeps his balance as he brings the camera back to his eye. 

The camera sees a better view of the action inside -- it sees Harrison's worked-up expression. 

EMORY   
Eureka...now if I could just...get...   
April's face -- 

Harrison's head moves out of the way and the camera has a full-on shot of Nicole's face. 

EMORY   
(at the revelation)   
Oh...good God!   
(at the prospect of falling)   
Oh my God...oh my God...oh my -- 

Emory's flimsy tree branch breaks and he falls, crashing into the bushes below. 

CUT TO 

INT. HARRISON'S ROOM 

Harrison lifts his head from Nicole's shoulder as he lies on top of her, sweaty. 

HARRISON   
What was that? 

NICOLE   
(oblivious)   
What? 

HARRISON   
It sounded like someone saying "Oh my God". 

Nicole kisses his collarbone. 

NICOLE   
That was you, stud. 

HARRISON   
No, I swear, it sounded like it came from outside. 

Nicole shrugs. 

NICOLE   
I didn't hear anything but the sound of satisfaction. 

She reaches down and squeezes his behind -- he smiles. 

NICOLE   
Hm. Looks like my randy little choir boy's not quite   
finished with his aria. Ready for round two? 

Harrison smiles. 

HARRISON   
Ready if you are. 

NICOLE   
Bring...it...on. 

Harrison swings the covers over their heads as he smiles and Nicole squeals playfully. The covers rustle and she gets serious again, moaning. 

CUT BACK TO 

BROOKE'S ROOM 

where Brooke sits Sam on the edge of the bed. 

SAM   
I am soooo sorry I interrupted whatever it was   
you and Carmen were doing. I should just go -- 

BROOKE   
Sam, wait. You're obviously ready to talk. So   
talk. 

SAM   
I dunno, Brooke. What is there to say? I...   
I think I screwed up. 

BROOKE   
With Harrison? 

SAM   
With GEORGE, Brooke -- God, why does everything   
seem to revolve around Harrison all of a sudden? 

BROOKE   
Maybe because it does. 

SAM   
What? 

BROOKE   
Sam, come on -- get over your avoidance of the   
situation. You need to deal with this. Now. 

SAM   
I don't know what to say, Brooke. He's out of   
my life. 

BROOKE   
That's bull and you know it. You can't just cut   
Harrison out of your life. It's not that simple. 

SAM   
Well, I have to try. 

BROOKE   
No, you don't. He's your *friend*. He's your   
*best friend*. 

SAM   
Friends come and go, Brooke. Yours and Nicole's   
friendship is proof positive that best friendships   
don't always last. 

BROOKE   
That may be, but I do still care about what happens   
to Nicole. Just like you care about Harrison. It's   
not the same thing -- 

SAM   
It isn't? 

BROOKE   
No, it isn't. And I'm at least trying to look out for her,   
*trying* to talk to her...I'm doing everything I can. 

SAM   
What am I supposed to do, Brooke? *He* was the one   
who said he never wanted to talk to me again. 

BROOKE   
I think...I think you should. At least talk to him. Clear   
the air between you, so that nothing's left hanging. 

SAM   
Nothing IS left hanging, Brooke. 

BROOKE   
Oh really? 

Sam shakes her head. 

BROOKE   
(a little angry)   
Well you could've fooled me. 

Brooke gets up and grabs her coat and bag. 

SAM   
Where are you going? 

BROOKE   
I'm going to continue my own efforts to help   
save someone I care about from certain heartbreak.   
You might want to try, too. 

She starts to leave, but stops. She moves to the window. 

BROOKE   
Oh, and if you *do* decide to do something about   
your obvious feelings towards Harrison, I suggest you   
*wait* a little while. 

She opens the window. 

BROOKE   
He's a little busy at the moment. 

Brooke storms off and leaves Sam in her room. The continued moans of pleasure spill from Harrison's window as Sam approaches Brooke's window. She realizes what's going on and quickly turns from the window, failing to choke back the horrible surprise and tears. 

END OF ACT 4 


	6. Act Five

**APRIL'S FOOL: ** ACT 5 

INT. HARRISON JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT 

HARRISON and NICOLE lie under the sheets in his bed. Nicole rests peacefully, her arm around Harrison, eyes closed. Harrison's eyes, however, are wide open, a BIG grin on his face -- a massive pile of condom wrappers litter the dresser next to his bed. He looks down at Nicole and kisses the top of her head. She stirs. 

HARRISON   
Nicole? You asleep? 

NICOLE   
(wearily)   
Mmm, yes, Mr. Affleck, it's o.k. for   
a guy to wear pink.... 

HARRISON   
(gently shakes her)   
Nicole? 

She stirs and opens her eyes. 

HARRISON   
I think I wore you out. 

NICOLE   
Nonsense...Clinique can get heavy on   
the eyelids. I was just resting them. 

HARRISON   
Sure you were. 

Nicole runs her hands over his skin and starts to kiss his chest, but he stops her. He tilts her chin up and looks into her eyes. 

HARRISON   
Wait. I...I want to thank you. 

NICOLE   
No need. 

HARRISON   
No, I really do...want to thank   
you. Tonight...was perhaps the   
best night of my life. No, correction --   
it truly was the best night of my life. 

Nicole stares into his eyes and then replaces her head on his chest. 

NICOLE   
You're a really...sweet and loving   
guy, Harrison. 

Harrison sits up. 

HARRISON   
No, I really mean it, Nicole. I mean --   
tonight I discovered things about you   
that I didn't even know existed. Your   
own sweetness. Your own...tenderness.   
(pauses)   
Everyone knows you're beautiful. But   
that's just superficial crap that they see   
every day. But tonight...I feel like you shared   
with me a piece of you that you strive so   
hard every day to keep hidden from the   
world. And you shared it with *me*, Harrison   
John, the perpetual dateless geekboy who's   
never gotten sofar as a peck on the cheek from   
*any* of the women in his life.   
(pauses)   
I know, you're probably thinking that this   
is a load of kiss-ass afterglow rambling that   
won't mean a thing tomorrow, but I can   
assure you, it's not. I think...I think I'm f -- 

NICOLE   
Don't say another word, Harrison. 

HARRISON   
Did I say something wrong? 

NICOLE   
No...I think you said it all.   
(pauses)   
Like you said...I hide it well. I'm really not   
the big ice queen everybody thinks I am. 

Harrison's expression fades. 

HARRISON   
Oh, wait!   
(happily)   
You just reminded me of something.   
(grabs his bathrobe)   
Stay. 

NICOLE   
What? 

HARRISON   
No, you just stay put -- I'll be right back. 

Harrison rushes out of the room as Nicole lies back in the bed. She turns to the stand and sees the two identical horseshoe pins glimmering in the candlelight.   


EXT. SHAGGY'S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - SAME 

BROOKE rings the tinny-sounding buzzer. No answer. She rings it again. No answer. She prepares to knock when TERRI GLASS opens the door with a grunt, startling Brooke, who's now in shock. 

TERRI GLASS   
We don't want no crack! If yuh got cookehs,   
maybe we kin talk. 

BROOKE   
I'm not a Girl Scout -- M...Miss Glass? 

TERRI GLASS   
D'I know you? 

BROOKE   
I'm sorry...you just look like someone I   
know. I'm looking for someone...her name's   
Nicole? 

TERRI GLASS   
Oh, Nikkeh's bin out ferwhile. Gotta big date   
'er sumthin'. She yerfriend? 

BROOKE   
Um...yeah. Do you know when she'll be back? 

TERRI GLASS   
Dunno. She be gone ferlongtime. Oh,   
whutumIsa doin'. Come on in, Goldie.   
Itsa bad place out there. 

BROOKE   
You know, maybe it's a bad time. It's late   
and I should just go -- 

TERRI GLASS   
Heynow. Come on in, baby. I won't bite. 

Brooke enters the apartment. 

INSIDE 

Terri's got the TV on. The place is a literal STY. 

TERRI GLASS   
Sorreh 'bout th'mess. Gits this way when Shaggeh   
gots to worker other job. 

BROOKE   
She ain't -- um, she's not home, either? 

TERRI GLASS   
Naw. She'sa gotta work two jobs. I can't workuzuhmah   
'thritis. 

BROOKE   
Well...maybe you can help me out. 

TERRI GLASS   
Sure thing, uh...what'd yasayer name was? 

BROOKE   
Oh, sorry -- I'm so rude -- Brooke. Brooke McQueen. 

Terri Glass extends her hand for a shake. 

TERRI GLASS   
Terreh. Terreh Glass. 

They shake hands. 

TERRI GLASS   
Sit down, mehbeh I kin helpyuh, Miss MickQueeeeen. 

BROOKE   
So...you're -- 

TERRI GLASS   
Shaggeh's aunteh. 

BROOKE   
And that'd make you -- 

TERRI GLASS   
Nikkeh's aunteh. Bah, I don't bother with no "great" er   
"grand", 'cuz yuhkin see...I ain't great and I ain't grand.   
So...Miss Brookeh...what kinI do feryuh? 

BROOKE   
Well, I really wanted to talk to Nicole. She's been   
avoiding me alot lately when I think she needs me   
the most. 

TERRI GLASS   
Y'think she madea mistake movin' in here, huh. 

BROOKE   
Well -- yes and no. 

TERRI GLASS   
I hear yuh. T'tell yuh th'truth, I think she'll realize it   
soonuh thin latuh. 

BROOKE   
You think she made a mistake too? 

TERRI GLASS   
Gurl, please. That princess belongs inna castle. This   
ain't no castle. We gitlong, yeah...but she needs mo'   
thin this. Don't git me wrong, we lovuh...but we luvuh   
'nuff to understand that she needs mo' than her birth   
muthuh to git through. 

Brooke nods her head in understanding. 

BROOKE   
What about her father? I mean, she told me briefly   
that Shaggy doesn't remember who he is. 

TERRI GLASS   
Awwww, she 'membuhs. She 'membuhs real good   
t'this day. You stay right here, I'ma gonna git sumthin'. 

Brooke nods and waits, looking around the room. In between the ugly decorative wall hangings, she notices tons of pictures of people she doesn't recognize -- most of the pics are black and white and very, very old. 

Terri Glass comes back with a large book in her hands. She sits next to Brooke on the couch. She hands the book to Brooke and she opens it. 

TERRI GLASS   
AsI said to little Nikkeh...people make   
mistakes. 

Brooke pages through the book carefully -- it's a scrapbook full of newspaper articles -- local and Zapruder -- about Nicole. In between the articles are some pictures...a few of Nicole as a baby. 

TERRI GLASS   
Shaggeh was waaaaay too young t'be   
raisin' a youngin'. Prolly younguh thin   
you. She wuz also scared...scared that   
her momma'd find out...and terrified   
that he'd find out. 

Terri Glass reaches over the book and turns a few pages. Near the back is a loose picture of a man -- a very handsome man with brown hair and brown eyes. 

TERRI GLASS   
She wuz so in love with th'man, but he   
wuz married n' already had his own babeh   
on his way...or had wun alreadeh, don't   
'member. 

Brooke picks up the picture and looks at the man's face -- so familiar, for some reason. 

BROOKE   
Does Nicole know about this? 

TERRI GLASS   
Hell, nobody knows Shaggeh still has that,   
'cept fer me. 

BROOKE   
Who is he...what's his name? 

TERRI GLASS   
It's bin so long...Shaggeh neveh much mentions   
it anymore. Johnson 'er somethin'...'er John.   
(thinks hard for a moment)   
Wait, no, 'sall comin' back t'me now. Bobby John.   
That wuz it. 

BROOKE   
Bobby John...? Bobby John what? 

TERRI GLASS   
That wuz it. I 'member it wuz strange, this guy...   
'slike he had a first name fer a last name. 

A look of shock washes over Brooke's face. 

TERRI GLASS   
What'sa mattuh, babeh? 

BROOKE   
Miss Glass...can I use your phone?   


INT. HARRISON'S ROOM - SAME 

Harrison's phone RINGS. Groans ensue. The phone continues to ring and HARRISON sticks his hand out from under the sheets and shoves the phone off the stand, knocking it to the ground. Harrison fumbles for an ice cube out of the BIG bowl of ice cubes on his dresser as he and NICOLE continue their business under the sheets. 

PAN UP to his WINDOW where, through the curtain slit, SAM is visible in Brooke's window, holding a phone. 

CUT TO 

BROOKE'S ROOM where Sam stands with the receiver in her hand, tears streaked down her face as she gets the busy dialtone from Harrison's line. 

Sam clicks off the phone when it RINGS. 

SAM   
Hello? 

GEORGE'S VOICE   
Sammie, I just tried callin' you...what   
happened to your call waiting? 

SAM   
(sniffling)   
Oh, nothing...I guess I just wasn't paying   
attention. So what's up? 

GEORGE'S VOICE   
Have you been crying? 

SAM   
No, of course not. It's...allergies. 

GEORGE'S VOICE   
I see...well, then, maybe comin' to pick   
you up wouldn't be a great idea. 

SAM   
No, that'd be fine, but...where are we going? 

George sighs. 

SAM   
What? 

GEORGE'S VOICE   
You remember that secret I told you about?   
The one I said I was keeping? 

SAM   
Yeah...? 

GEORGE'S VOICE   
Well, it so happens that I really don't have to   
keep it...from you, at least. 

SAM   
Oh...well, o.k. What is it about? 

GEORGE'S VOICE   
Lemme just come pick you up. We'll   
talk then, o.k.? 

SAM   
Sure. Whatever. 

GEORGE'S VOICE   
Great. I'll be there in ten. 

SAM   
'Kay. 

She hangs up the phone, then glances at Harrison's window. 

CUT TO 

INT. HARRISON'S ROOM 

The phone is still on the floor, the annoying dialtone still beeping. NICOLE comes out from under the covers. 

NICOLE   
Okay, that's starting to annoy me now. 

HARRISON gets out from under the covers. 

HARRISON   
I'm sorry, I thought you liked the ice -- 

NICOLE   
Not you, the phone. 

Harrison rolls his eyes and reaches over and replaces the phone. It starts to ring again. 

NICOLE   
Maybe you should get that. 

HARRISON   
Maybe I shouldn't. 

NICOLE   
I could use a breather...I'm getting...   
well, even I need to take ten every   
once in a while. 

HARRISON   
(annoyed at the phone)   
Okay...   
(picks up the phone)   
...hello? 

BROOKE'S VOICE   
Harrison. God, don't hang up. 

INTERCUT between HARRISON/BROOKE at Shaggy's. 

HARRISON   
Brooke? I'm *kinda* busy right now. 

Nicole's expression turns, and she becomes more active with him. 

BROOKE   
I know you're busy, but it'll only take a minute.   
Please, it's really important. 

HARRISON   
Hurry up, I don't have time for this now. 

Nicole dips under the covers. 

BROOKE   
Okay, I know -- Harrison, what's your father's   
name? 

HARRISON   
Wha? Why do you want to know that? 

BROOKE   
I just need to know. Trust me, it really *is*   
important. 

HARRISON   
Robert. It's -- 

Nicole obviously does something to distract Harrison. 

HARRISON   
-- Robert. 

BROOKE   
Robert -- as is Rob or Bob? 

HARRISON   
Yeah, why? 

Brooke is silent. Harrison becomes REALLY distracted by what Nicole seems to be doing under the covers. 

HARRISON   
Brooke -- I need to...I need to go. I'm   
really sorry, but...yeah, I've gotta go. 

BROOKE   
No problem -- 

Harrison hangs up on her and shuts off the ringer. 

Nicole pops out from under the covers. 

NICOLE   
What'd Brookie want? 

HARRISON   
Something stupid...   
(Nicole teases him under the covers)   
...oh God...I don't even remember now. 

Nicole grins evilly and dips back under the covers. 

HARRISON   
(giant smile on his face)   
Oh God...oh my...oh God...this is just too good   
to be true...this is NOT happening. 

ROBIN JOHN (O.S.)   
Harrison? 

Nicole pops out from under the covers as hers and Harrison's eyes just about pop out of their heads when they hear ROBIN JOHN'S VOICE calling to him. 

ROBIN (O.S.)   
Harrison? I'm home. 

HARRISON   
No...THIS is NOT happening! 

NICOLE   
(hissing whisper)   
I thought you said she'd be gone for   
the night! 

Harrison nervously shrugs, shaking his head in question. They hear his mother's footsteps getting closer. 

ROBIN (O.S.)   
Harrison, are you here? 

Harrison has a look of sheer terror on his face. 

CUT TO 

HALLWAY where ROBIN JOHN approaches Harrison's door. 

ROBIN (O.S.)   
(reaches for his doorknob)   
Harrison? 

BACK TO 

Harrison's horrified expression. 

BACK TO 

Robin's hand twisting the doorknob. It's locked. 

ROBIN (O.S.)   
Harrison, it's locked...are you okay? 

Harrison and Nicole start to breathe again. 

HARRISON   
(from inside the room)   
I'm...I'm O.K., Mom. 

ROBIN   
I just tried calling you. 

HARRISON   
Oh...I uh...just a minute. 

Robin waits outside the door until Harrison comes out in his striped bathrobe and closes the door behind him. 

HARRISON   
I thought you were supposed to be out on a date. 

ROBIN   
I was, but it went bust --   
(touches his cheek)   
-- my God, honey, you're warm...and flushed.   
Are you sure you're all right? 

HARRISON   
I'm fine, Mom, I was...I was just cleaning   
my room. 

Robin looks at him quizzically. 

HARRISON   
You know, hauling all that trash that's in   
my room can really work up a good sweat. 

ROBIN   
I see. Well...I guess I have no reason to   
worry then. 

HARRISON   
No reason. Definitely no reason at all. 

ROBIN   
I...I was trying to call you to ask you if you   
wanted to go out to eat, since I'm now   
dateless. 

HARRISON   
You know...Mom...I'm really not all that hungry. 

ROBIN   
You gotta eat something -- 

HARRISON   
Food is the last thing on my mind right now,   
Mom. I'd uh...I'd just like to get my room   
done before bed. 

ROBIN   
Mm. Well, o.k. I guess your ol' mom here is   
too square to be seen with out in public -- 

HARRISON   
It's not that at all -- 

ROBIN   
I understand, Harrison. I'm o.k. with it. I've   
been meaning to check out a new bar in   
town anyway.   
(inhales)   
Is that sandalwood? 

HARRISON   
Um...yeah, yeah, I found some old candles and I uh...   
I thought they would smell nice, you know --   
freshen up the room a bit, get the stanky sock smell out. 

She smiles and kisses him on the cheek and starts down the hall, but turns around just as Harrison is about to enter back into his room. 

ROBIN   
Oh, and Harrison -- 

HARRISON   
Wha? 

ROBIN   
Be sure to be gentleman...and take her   
home afterwards. 

Harrison turns beet red as his mother smiles knowingly. 

HARRISON   
(quiet)   
Yeah...sure. 

INSIDE HARRISON'S ROOM Nicole is putting her nylons back on. 

HARRISON   
W -- wait, what're you doing? 

NICOLE   
It's time for me to go. 

HARRISON   
Nonononono, wait -- please, no, just   
stay. My mom -- she's...she'll be gone!   
I mean, once she checks out a new   
lesbian bar -- whoo, she's gone for the   
night. 

NICOLE   
I can't stay...if I do, I won't -- 

Nicole stops herself. Harrison sits next to her and folds his hands. 

HARRISON   
You won't wanna leave. 

Nicole answers him with silence as he looks at her. 

NICOLE   
Harrison...you said yourself that you wanted to make   
this special for me. 

HARRISON   
Did I succeed? 

NICOLE   
Let's just say that you exceeded my expectations. 

She places her hand on his face. 

NICOLE   
Harrison...   
(pauses)   
...you really don't know what you did for me.   
(pauses, takes hand away)   
But...I really should be getting back to Shaggy's...   
I'm sure my Aunt Tee's pretty worried about me by   
now. 

Harrison pauses in thought for a moment. 

HARRISON   
Okay. 

He gets up and starts to dress; she watches him. He turns back to her and she looks away. 

HARRISON   
(sits down next to her again)   
There's one thing, though -- before I take you   
back -- that I'd really like to know. 

NICOLE   
Mmm? 

HARRISON   
Is there...is there *any* chance that...that this   
could ever...if we could...do this again? 

NICOLE   
Why Harrison. Are you asking for seconds? 

HARRISON   
Eeeyeah, but aren't I more like on my 9th   
helping by now? 

Nicole smiles. 

NICOLE   
Well, the scores aren't in yet, but judging by your   
performance -- I'd say you have a pretty good chance. 

HARRISON   
Yes! 

NICOLE   
Don't get too excited. I doubt that either of   
us could keep this under wraps if we were constantly   
jumping eachothers' bones in chem class. 

HARRISON   
Got it. 

They start out of his room, but Harrison suddenly turns and grabs her, kissing her full on the lips. The kiss surprises her and he pulls away, smiles, and heads out. After a moment, she follows.   


INT. KENNEDY HIGH - HALLWAY - SAME 

SAM walks down the darkened hall with GEORGE. 

SAM   
Why are we here? I see enough of this   
place during the day. 

GEORGE   
Trust me. It's all part of that secret I was telling   
you about. 

SAM   
Okaaaay. 

There is a short silence. 

GEORGE   
So...since you're about to find out my secret,   
how 'bout you tell me yours? 

SAM   
George, I told you -- there is no secret. 

GEORGE   
Well, I can tell you that it's no secret that   
something's bothering you. When I called   
you, you sounded like you'd been crying. 

SAM   
Can we just drop this? I swear to God --   
nothing is wrong. Where are we going? 

Just then, APRIL TUNA pops out from the corner. 

TUNA   
I see you succeeded! I knew I could count on   
you, George Austin! 

GEORGE   
Anything to help a friend, April. 

MARY CHERRY comes by them -- behind her are JOSH and SUGAR DADDY hauling a HUGE disco ball. 

MARY CHERRY   
(to Josh and Sugar)   
Come on now, let's haul some ASS here, boys!   
(turns to Sam and George)   
Hi y'all! 

They round the corner as April grins. 

SAM   
April -- what's going on here? 

TUNA   
Seek and ye shall find, Sam McPherson, for   
behind these very walls is an orgy of   
friendship and love! 

SAM   
Um, I think I'll be going now -- 

CARMEN and LILY pass by, carrying some buckets full of brown stuff. 

CARMEN   
Hey Sam. 

SAM   
Oh...my GOD, is that mud??? 

George laughs. 

GEORGE   
Come on, Sam. It's cool. 

TUNA   
What's your favorite color, Sam -- lipstick red or   
Trojan blue? 

Sam looks very worried at this point. 

April smiles wildly.   


INT. SHAGGY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 

Nicole quietly enters the apartment. No one seems to be awake -- she steps into the livingroom and sits on the couch. The LAMP switches on -- it's TERRI GLASS. 

NICOLE   
Oh, I'm sorry -- I didn't realize you were   
still awake. 

TERRI GLASS   
No problem here, Nikkeh. Jest wanted   
t'make sure yousawlright. 

Nicole cracks a slight smile. 

TERRI GLASS   
You are...awlright, hun? 

NICOLE   
Yeah...I'm fine. 

TERRI GLASS   
Yous don't look fine. 

NICOLE   
I...guess I just realized something rather   
horrifying about myself tonight, that's all. 

TERRI GLASS   
Whazzat? 

Nicole hesitates. 

TERRI GLASS   
Aww, comeon now...you kin tell yer   
Tee. 

NICOLE   
I'm not sure that I can...only because I   
don't know how to put it into words.   
(pauses)   
I've...gone through my whole life...never   
feeling loved...or wanted. But now --   
tonight -- it's changed. And...I'm   
scared because I'm not sure what to do. 

TERRI GLASS   
Ah, I unnerstand. 

NICOLE   
Do you? 

TERRI GLASS   
Yeah, hun...I do. 

She gets up to leave. 

TERRI GLASS   
You'll figger it out. Yousa smart girl.   
(leaving)   
Don't furget t'turn off the light. Oh, anna   
nutterthing...yer friend came lookin' fer yuh. 

NICOLE   
Who? 

TERRI GLASS   
Some purty yung thang...blond...King...no,   
Queen. 

NICOLE   
Oh, Brooke. Yeah, I know, she's been trying   
to earn her merit badge in friendship. 

TERRI GLASS   
Damn it, I KNEW I smelt cookehs on her!   
(pauses)   
Look, Nicole. You may have felt like nobuddeh   
loves yuh...but maybe y'jist gotta open up those   
purty blue eyes of yours and take a look 'round.   
You may find out that love wuz right there in yer   
face awl'long. Buh jist be careful...sometimes we act   
'pon sumthin' b'fore we know everthang we need   
t'know. G'night, baybeh. 

NICOLE   
'Night. 

Nicole leaves the light on when Tee leaves. Without removing her trench or changing her clothes, she lies down on the couch. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out her horsehoe pin and squeezes it in her hand as she continues to lie awake in thought.   


END OF ACT 5 


	7. FINALE

**APRIL'S FOOL: ** FINALE 

INT. KENNEDY HIGH - OUTSIDE THE LUNCHROOM - DAY 

NICOLE waits outside the doors to the lunchroom looking hopeful. VERA KRUPPS walks by, as do a couple of other lunch ladies...then SHAGGY. 

NICOLE   
Mom -- Shaggy. 

SHAGGY   
Nicole! I was worried...when I got up to go   
to work this morning your things were gone. 

NICOLE   
Yeah, there's a reason for that.   
(pauses)   
I...I've moved back home. 

SHAGGY   
Oh? 

NICOLE   
Yes, you see...I've been thinking about all   
of this and well...I have a home, and it's a   
home that I'm used to.   
(pause)   
This doesn't mean I *don't* want to spend   
some time with you, or get to know you and   
the rest of my family. It just means that...I   
think right now I need to be somewhere   
familiar so I can sort out my feelings about   
all of this, among other things. 

SHAGGY   
I understand, Nicole. You see...there is a   
good reason why things are the way they are.   
(pauses)   
You seem to understand that now.   
(pauses)   
You're always welcome to visit. I'm sure Aunt   
Tee'll miss you. 

NICOLE   
I bet. 

SHAGGY   
You know...I won't miss you. 

NICOLE   
Excuse me? 

SHAGGY   
I won't miss you because I'll get to see you...my   
little girl grown up...every day -- doing so good for   
herself. 

She leans in and they hug. Shaggy holds back tears. 

NICOLE   
Aww, now, now. After a while I'm sure you'll get   
sick of seeing me every day. 

SHAGGY   
Never. 

They break the hug. 

NICOLE   
(wipes tears from her cheeks)   
Well, say hi to Tee for me. I've got to do touch up   
after this _Gillmore Girls_ moment here. 

SHAGGY   
You take care of yourself, o.k.? 

NICOLE   
I promise. 

Shaggy steps back away from Nicole before eventually turning to leave. 

Nicole turns towards the direction of the Novak. 

NICOLE   
(to herself)   
One down, one to go. 

Nicole starts walking down the hall. 

AN ARM pulls her into the open SUPPLY CLOSET. 

INSIDE, 

HARRISON smiles widely and pulls her into a deep, searching kiss. She pushes him away in surprise. 

NICOLE   
What the hell are you doing? 

HARRISON   
(still smiling)   
Where's your sense of spontaneity, Nicole?   
Or...did our triste last night crack the   
"unbreakable" shell of Nicole Julian? 

He spots the horseshoe pin right on her outfit -- right above her left breast. 

HARRISON   
Wow, I must've *really* tired you out if   
you hadn't realized that this clashes with   
your choker. 

Nicole's eyes volley between his eyes and his lips. She yanks him down for a kiss and pushes him away harder. 

NICOLE   
No way. I don't think you have what it   
takes to wear me out. 

Harrison smiles. 

HARRISON   
Is that a challenge? 

NICOLE   
Oh, I *dare* you. 

Boxes topple in onto the floor of the closet as Harrison fiercely accepts the dare.   


INT. KENNEDY HIGH - HALLWAY - SAME 

BROOKE walks down the hall and by the supply closet. She startles for a moment when she hears thudding inside, then proceeds. She rounds the corner and finds SAM coming her way. 

BROOKE   
Sam. 

SAM   
Brooke. 

BROOKE & SAM   
Have you seen -- 

BROOKE   
You first. 

SAM   
Have you seen Harrison? I think I need   
to talk to him. 

BROOKE   
Um, no...why? 

SAM   
I think I just need to at least let him know   
that I'm happy for him. 

Brooke sighs. 

SAM   
What? 

BROOKE   
You know, it amazes me, Sam, how you could   
be so darned stubborn sometimes. You haven't   
talked to your *best friend* since the big kiss-off   
and the first thing you're going to say to him   
is a lie? 

SAM   
Brooke! I *am*! I'm like, totally over it.   
I'm with George, he's moved on, everything's   
fine. I really don't want to get into this and   
besides, I really *do* have to find him, at least   
for April Tuna's sake. 

BROOKE   
Whatever. Wait...what does April Tuna have   
to do with this? 

SAM   
I can't say. It's a surprise. Anyway --   
you were gonna say something before...? 

BROOKE   
Oh, yeah -- Nicole. Have you seen her? 

SAM   
Thankfully, no. 

Brooke sighs in frustration. 

BROOKE   
You know, there was a time when Nic and I   
were inseparable and we *knew* where the   
other one was at all times. These days she's   
like a needle in a haystack. 

SAM   
More like a thorn in everyones' sides. 

BROOKE   
Sam. 

SAM   
Okay, okay...if I find her, I'll let her know   
that you're desperate. 

BROOKE   
Thanks.   
(turns, turns back)   
Oh, and Sam -- 

Sam turns. 

BROOKE   
-- I'm really glad that you're *at least* willing to   
talk to him. 

Sam nods and continues down the hall as Brooke heads around the corner. 

Sam passes the door to the supply closet and hears some rough thudding noises coming from inside. She stops to listen for a moment. 

HARRISON   
(from inside, between thuds)   
Say my name! 

NICOLE   
(from inside, unrecoginzable to Sam)   
Harr...Harrison! 

HARRISON   
(between thuds)   
Yeah, that's it...yeah! Oh yeah.... 

Sam's expression drops as she steps back. The thudding stops and she hears rustling inside -- she panics, quickly turns and rushes down the hall, almost in tears. 

Sam runs right into GEORGE. 

GEORGE   
Whoa Sammie, where's the fire? 

SAM   
(masking her upset)   
Um, no...nowhere, I was just coming   
to find you. 

GEORGE   
Same here...we've got to get to Tuna's   
love fest before she has one of her   
Tuna-esque cows. Sammie...you been   
crying again? 

SAM   
No, George, it's just those heinous   
allergies. Can't seem to get rid of   
the blockage. 

GEORGE   
Maybe you should take something   
for them. 

SAM   
Maybe. Come on, let's get go. 

GEORGE   
Whoa, wait a minute -- you sure you're   
all right? 

SAM   
Perfectly fine...come on! 

She drags George around the corner. 

BACK TO the supply closet. The door opens and Harrison peeks out, then steps out. Nicole follows behind him, straightening her jacket. 

HARRISON   
Well that was fast. 

NICOLE   
No complaints here. 

She breaks out a compact and her lip gloss and starts to reapply. 

HARRISON   
Good. 

NICOLE   
You *did* say you had to be   
somewhere? 

HARRISON   
(disappointedly)   
Yeah...something I've been working   
on for a while now. 

As they talk, Brooke comes back around the corner and spots them. She ducks into a corner. 

NICOLE   
Well. You best get going then. 

HARRISON   
Yeah...yeah, I should, shouldn't I? 

NICOLE   
Well...what're you waiting for? 

HARRISON   
I was...never mind, I know it's too   
much to ask. 

NICOLE   
Well, you never know unless you try. 

HARRISON   
Well...how long before...well, you know.   
You might consider...going public? 

Brooke's eyes widen. 

Nicole stares at him, then breaks out into laughter. 

HARRISON   
I'm...I'm serious. 

NICOLE   
I know. But why go public when I want you all   
to myself? Keep up the facade. It's much more   
exciting that way. You don't wanna lose the   
magic now, do you? 

Brooke slips back around the corner, then starts her way back, feigning a cough. Harrison and Nicole straighten up their posture. 

BROOKE   
Nicole? 

Brooke reaches them. 

BROOKE   
Hey Harrison. 

Harrison nods. 

NICOLE   
Hey there, B. Little cancer boy and I here   
were having a talk about post-donor   
rejection. 

BROOKE   
Well can you spare a couple of minutes?   
Please? I've really, really got to talk to   
you. 

NICOLE   
If it's about Shaggy, no need to worry.   
I've moved back home. 

BROOKE   
That's fine. But I really need to talk to you. 

NICOLE   
(to Harrison)   
Run along, Captain America. I'm sure we   
can continue our little conversation later. 

HARRISON   
(waves)   
Ladies. 

Brooke and Nicole enter the Novak. Nicole sets up at the mirror. 

NICOLE   
I really don't have the time for your   
constant obsession about my life, Brookie.   
Ever since you dumped me for your   
would-be step-Spam as your best friend,   
I've picked up and moved on. Maybe you   
should, too. 

BROOKE   
Nicole, just because we're not as close as we   
used to be doesn't mean that I don't care   
about you, and I'm not letting you ignore me this   
time. I can't...it's too heavy.   
(pauses)   
But before I do get into this, I have to   
ask...are you and Harrison, like, dating   
or something? 

Nicole laughs and turns to her. 

NICOLE   
What on Gwenyth's green earth would make   
you ask *that*? 

BROOKE   
Well, I dunno, when I saw you talking you   
seemed kinda...close. 

NICOLE   
Well, you got one thing right -- we were   
talking. Besides, why would I risk what little   
reputation I have left by bumping uglies with   
the ugliest? 

Brooke stares at her -- she knows she may be lying. 

NICOLE   
Anyway, spill. What was so urgent that you felt you   
absolutely *had* to talk to me now? 

Brooke hesitates. 

BROOKE   
I think I know why you were Harrison's   
donor match. 

FOCUS on Nicole's expression.   


INT. KENNEDY HIGH - FRONT - SAME 

LILY waits near the front doors. 

JOSH enters, two suit bags hooked over his shoulder. 

LILY   
You were able to get them? 

JOSH   
Yeah, but I practically had to drive all the way around   
town to find one in your size. 

LILY   
Awww, you're so sweet.   
(kisses him sweetly)   
Thank you. 

JOSH   
Yeah, well, it's past season and there aren't any conventions   
in town, so they weren't too hard to find. 

Lily looks over Josh's expression. 

LILY   
Baby...is there something wrong? 

Josh looks like he's going to say something, but shakes his head. 

JOSH   
Nah, forget it. 

LILY   
Come on...if something's bothering you,   
you know you can tell me. 

JOSH   
Honesty, right. 

Lily nods. 

JOSH   
Lily...am I whipped? 

Lily's scoffs. 

LILY   
Where'd you get that idea? 

JOSH   
No where in particular...well, Sam   
did mention it. 

LILY   
W...well SAM obviously doesn't know   
what she's talking about. Why -- do you   
feel like I'm too controlling? 

JOSH   
No...not really. Well, maybe sometimes I   
feel like I'm just doing whatever you want me   
to. And I'm not saying that I don't like it...I   
just want to feel..."equal", I guess. 

LILY   
I see. Well, I guess I have been making you   
into sort of a workhorse. 

JOSH   
No, no, it's not that at all, really -- I love what   
you have me doing. It gets me off my lazy ass   
to actually help people instead of talking   
about it. It makes me feel like I have a purpose   
in life and makes me feel good about myself in   
the process. 

LILY   
Really? I make you feel that way? 

Josh nods. 

LILY   
Good. 

They look at eachother for a moment. 

LILY   
OhmiGod -- we gotta hurry. We need to get   
these things on before April has a fit. 

She brushes past him. 

LILY   
Come ON, Josh, let's goooo! 

Josh rolls his eyes at the sound of a WHIP cracking.   


EXT. KENNEDY HIGH - THE FOREVER TREE STUMP - A LITTLE LATER 

HARRISON sits on the tree stump, waiting. 

EMORY approaches. 

HARRISON   
Hey, Em. You're late. Thought you   
weren't gonna make it. 

EMORY   
I...had some business to attend to. 

HARRISON   
So...why'd you want me here? 

EMORY   
No...no reason. 

HARRISON   
Then...why are we here? 

Emory thinks for a moment. 

EMORY   
Harrison. Upon further investigation,   
it seems that I had erred greatly in my   
quest for truth and knowledge concerning --   
well, concerning my affairs. I ask that you   
accept my humble apologies for slapping   
you in the face the other day. 

Harrison listens, nodding. 

EMORY   
But during my search, I must say that I   
found *you*, my friend, to be in a much more   
dire situation than I could have ever imagined --   
even for myself -- and that you deserve *my*   
sympathy...and condolences. 

HARRISON   
What are you talking about? 

EMORY   
I understand. Talking about it must bring   
you great shame. 

HARRISON   
I'm not following you, Em. 

EMORY   
(pats his shoulder)   
That's O.K. Just remember. When you're   
ready, I'll be there for you. 

HARRISON   
Good to know, Emory. 

EMORY   
Good. So what do you say we grab   
some sustenance and perhaps browse   
the new science fiction releases at   
Papersmith? 

HARRISON   
Um...I'm sorry, I can't. 

EMORY   
You have plans? 

Just then, SUGAR DADDY creeps up behind Emory and runs a giant black sack over his body, tying him up. 

HARRISON   
Yeah...you could say that.   


INT. KENNEDY HIGH AUDITORIUM 

It is complete darkness. 

The sound of one of the backstage doors opens. 

MARY CHERRY   
OhmiGod, y'all -- they're coming! 

TUNA   
To your places, people! 

CARMEN   
How are we supposed to know where our places   
are when we can't see a thing? 

GEORGE   
Most of us were already in place when   
April turned the lights out. 

LILY   
OW! 

MARY CHERRY   
*Sorry*! 

It is complete silence. 

LILY   
Josh...I hope that's YOUR hand. 

MARY CHERRY   
Sorry again! 

TUNA   
(hissing whisper)   
QUIET, people! 

The front doors to the auditorium open, and Harrison, flashlight in hand, enters, as Sugar Daddy carries Emory in on his shoulder. They walk down the aisle. 

EMORY   
Unhand me, you heathen ogre!!! 

HARRISON   
Calm down, Emory, we're almost there -- 

EMORY   
Put me down, I say! Put me down! 

Sugar drops him onto the floor. Harrison switches his flashlight off and helps get him out of the bag. 

EMORY   
Oh my God...I'm blind! 

SUGAR DADDY   
You ain't blind, Dick. 

HARRISON   
It's just dark in here. 

EMORY   
Your method of transportation was   
most uncalled for. 

HARRISON   
Yeah, but it'll be worth it -- trust me. 

EMORY   
I demand to know where we are. 

HARRISON   
You'll see...you ready for that truth you   
were looking for? 

EMORY   
I don't understand. 

Harrison flickers his flashlight and all of a sudden the lights in the auditorium go on -- 

ALL   
(except for Emory)   
SURPRISE! 

-- the STAGE is made up to look exactly like "The Bridge" of the U.S.S. Enterprise, and everybody is dressed in a Star Trek uniform -- well, except for Mary Cherry, who's dressed in a sequined-covered version of a Star Trek uniform. The sign above The Bridge reads "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EMORY!" in Star Trek font. A giant disco ball hangs from the ceiling and reflects "stars". 

Emory is completely shocked. 

APRIL TUNA comes forth -- her hair and face made over -- and dressed in a dark blue STU. 

TUNA   
Happy...Birthday, loverman! 

Emory is all choked up. 

EMORY   
I...I don't know what to say.   
I thought...you and -- 

TUNA   
You thought that I was having hot   
wild, simian sex with Mr. Harrison   
John, when in fact he, along with   
a good samaritan team of Kennedy   
High's finest, was helping me to hand   
craft this birthday bash for my soulmate! 

EMORY   
(looking over The Bridge)   
But...how'd you...what -- 

TUNA   
It was easy! As representative of the   
student body of our graduating class,   
I have clout! 

CARMEN   
Principal Krupps allowed her to use   
the stage. Well, provided that we clean   
up afterwards. 

GEORGE   
The girls worked really hard on the finer   
details...us guys, we pretty much did the   
gruntwork of assembling the pieces. 

JOSH   
With big help from Lily, here. 

LILY   
It was my job to find biodegradable and   
recyclable materials to use. 

SAM   
And, instead of buying you a cheesy gift   
that you'll never use, April thought that it   
would mean alot more to you if your friends   
banded together to give you something that   
money can't buy. 

TUNA   
(turns back to Emory)   
Does it? 

EMORY   
(choking)   
I'm...I'm verklempt.   
(pauses)   
But I'm also puzzled...Miss Cherry...what is   
your role in this? 

MARY CHERRY   
Well you see, since I wasn't allowed to pay for   
someone to construct this whole thing for you   
-- which could have been easily done -- I   
nonetheless *was* allowed to beam on over   
a couple of extra special surprises. 

Mary Cherry looks towards the back and waves the guests onto the stage. GEORGE TAKEI and NICHELLE NICHOLS walk out onto The Bridge in full Star Trek Movie uniform. Emory gasps like a little girl. 

MARY CHERRY   
Surprise! 

Takei and Nichols approach Emory. 

TAKEI   
(shakes his hand)   
Happy Birthday. 

NICHOLS   
(reaches out)   
Happy Birthday, Emory -- 

Emory drops to his knee and kisses her hand. 

NICHOLS   
Charming! 

EMORY   
(stands up)   
No, it is *I* who am chramed, Miss Nichols.   
Mr. Takei -- the both of you -- it is an honor   
to be in your presence. 

TAKEI   
Great to be here. 

APRIL   
(to Takei and Nichols)   
It is a THRILL to have you here, Mr. SULU --   
Lieutenant UHURA -- please, join us in   
our celebration! 

April leads them away Emory towards the rest of the gang, who prepare the cake (decorated with the Federation of Planets symbol) with candles. 

TAKEI   
(quiet, to Nichols)   
We're getting paid for this, right? 

BACK to Emory and Harrison. 

EMORY   
All this time you were spending with   
my fair lady...you were doing this...for   
me? 

HARRISON   
Well, yeah. You didn't honestly think   
that April and I...Emory, come on! 

EMORY   
In all of my...preoccupation with a   
possible adulterous situation, I'd forgotten   
that it was my birthday. I...guess I owe   
you a second apology for doubting your   
loyalty. 

HARRISON   
Hey, no problem. It was actually pretty   
FUN, you know? 

The candles are lit on the cake. April comes back. 

TUNA   
Time to put out the fire, handsome! 

Emory humbly approaches the cake and blows. He needs to blow quite a few times to get the candles out. Everyone claps. He dips his finger right into the cake and licks. 

EMORY   
Carrot...my favorite. 

April swings the swivelling Captain's chair in his direction. 

TUNA   
Well, Captain -- Sir -- are you not going   
to take your seat? 

Emory approaches the chair and sits. Everyone assumes their various positions on deck, and waits for his instruction. 

TUNA   
Well? 

EMORY   
Oh, sorry...warp speed ahead.   
(pauses)   
Engage. 

MARY CHERRY   
(salutes inappropriately)   
Aye aye, Captain! 

Mary Cherry slides a button on a remote, setting the disco ball to rotate and Star Trekkian music to play. 

Sam spots Harrison as George, Lily, and Josh slice up the cake, handing pieces to Carmen to give out to the Bring Back Freaks and Geeks Club members. Harrison looks up for a moment and catches her stare. He quickly looks down and continues what he's doing. Sam can't take it anymore and slips away. 

GEORGE   
Sam -- Sam! 

He rushes to follow her. 

SAM rushes through 

THE HALLWAY, with George in the background. 

GEORGE   
Sammie, wait up -- 

When he catches up to her, he sees that she's struggling very hard not to cry. 

GEORGE   
Sam. Come on. This has gone on long   
enough. Now I know something's wrong. 

SAM   
It's...it's nothing. 

GEORGE   
Bull.   
(pauses)   
Come on. You can tell me. 

A few tears make it out of Sam's eyes, but she brushes them away. She refuses to look George in the eyes. 

SAM   
(quietly)   
I...I can't. 

By now, George is extremely frustrated. He sighs. 

GEORGE   
Well, if you can't, you can't.   
(pauses)   
Just like I can't. 

SAM   
What? 

GEORGE   
I can't do this, Sam. As much as I care for   
you...I can't keep going on like this. You're   
obviously in alot of pain...or something...but   
you don't trust me enough to come clean   
about what's bothering you. 

SAM   
I trust you -- 

GEORGE   
But you just won't tell me what's going on.   
(pauses)   
Look...you need me right now. That, I know   
is true. 

Sam chokes at his words. 

SAM   
I don't know what I need...but all I know is   
that I want to be left alone. I need some   
time to chill, that's all. 

There is a short silence as George looks away. 

GEORGE   
(troubled)   
It pains me to see you this way...I really do   
care about you, Sam. Alot. 

SAM   
I know you do. 

GEORGE   
But...if you need to be left alone, that's O.K.   
with me. In fact...I think it might be best if   
we did cool off for awhile. 

Sam looks up -- the dam's about to break. 

SAM   
You're breaking up with me? 

GEORGE   
"Breaking up" seems way too harsh, I think.   
Temporary hiatus maybe a bit better. 

SAM   
Sounds more like a cancellation. 

GEORGE   
It's not like that, Sam. You need time to get   
over whatever it is you're not telling me. Me...   
well, it doesn't matter. I'll be O.K. 

George touches her cheek with his fingertips. 

GEORGE   
(pained)   
I'll see you around, Sam. 

George dejectedly leaves her standing in the hall, tears now flowing freely down her face. 

SAM   
(through the tears)   
This isn't happening! 

CUT TO 

INT. KENNEDY HIGH - THE NOVAK 

NICOLE   
THIS isn't happening! 

BROOKE   
I know it's a shock -- 

NICOLE   
No, a shock would be getting to school   
and realizing that your slingbacks don't   
match your outfit, this -- THIS is a *big*   
laugh because it isn't true. 

BROOKE   
It IS, Nicole. I'd swear by it. Your   
aunt -- the Miss Glass doppelganger -- she   
showed me a picture and I swear to GOD...it's   
Harrison's dad.   
(pauses)   
He's your brother. 

NICOLE   
No. He's not -- and I'll prove it. A DNA test   
would clear this horrifying speculation away. 

BROOKE   
Even if you did, it'd only prove that you   
ARE his sister. Half-sister. Nicole, I   
recognized the picture. It was him. 

NICOLE   
I think your memory's as cloudy as your   
eyesight. Harrison's father left a long, LONG   
time ago -- 

BROOKE   
-- but I still remember what he looked   
like. Not only that, but your Aunt Tee   
*told* me about this guy...he fits the   
description of Harrison's father. I mean,   
how *likely* is it that the man who's your   
father had the same strange name as   
Harrison's dad AND you would turn out   
to be Harrison's bone marrow match? 

Nicole looks absolutely floored as she sits down on the round pouf. She stares at the floor. 

BROOKE   
Look...I know how you are about your   
pride and everything. I swear -- I won't   
tell anyone. But...what are *you* going to   
do about this? 

Nicole's expression melts as she composes herself and straightens her back. 

NICOLE   
I guess there's only one thing *to* do.   


INT. KENNEDY HIGH - HALLWAY/HARRISON'S LOCKER 

HARRISON fishes in his locker for something. In the background, NICOLE comes out from a corner and her head turns -- she spots him and struts up to him. He smiles widely. 

HARRISON   
Hey beautiful -- 

NICOLE   
Can the gushing compliments. I'm not here   
on an intimacy call. In fact, I'm here to   
close a door that should've never been   
opened. 

Harrison looks around nervously -- no one else is around. 

HARRISON   
Wh...what're you doing, Nic -- 

NICOLE   
Yeah, hi, WAKE UP from those white   
picket fantasies you have and smell the   
Starbucks, Zitmaster -- last night was a   
favor to the poor little virgin who was too   
pathetic to ever get any action from   
someone who actually cared. 

HARRISON   
S...so it didn't mean anything to you. 

NICOLE   
Oh, it meant something, all right.   
(pauses)   
It meant that I now have to live the   
rest of my days wretching over the   
thought of having slept with a complete   
loser who gives a new meaning to   
"jumping the gun". 

Harrison looks like he's about to cry. 

NICOLE   
Don't be a fool, Harrison -- you don't   
honestly believe that we could've   
actually been anything more than two   
desperate people feeding off of eachothers'   
weaknesses, do you?   
(pauses)   
And another thing, "stud" -- if word   
ever gets out that I even breathed the   
same stale air as you do...you'll be   
wishing you'd never found me this   
past Christmas.   
(pauses)   
Well -- I guess it's back to the hand   
for ya, my little -- oh, I *do* emphasize   
"little" -- Lone Ranger. 

She turns and struts down the hall. 

FOCUS on HARRISON: A few tears make it down his face. He leans against the lockers as he tries to comprehend what just happened. 

OVER to NICOLE as she makes it down the hall quickly and turns the corner. She leans her back against the wall and looks up -- her bottom lip starts to quiver and her expression melts as she can't hold back the tears anymore. 

She then cries harder than she's ever had before.   


FADE TO BLACK 

* * *

**"APRIL'S FOOL" (A _Popular_ Fan Fic)**   
**(a.k.a. "THIS ISN'T HAPPENING")**

**written/scripted by John Andrew**

**SUGGESTED MUSIC (Edited Verisons of):**   
_Star Trek: The Soundtrack_ (Harrison's Dream/Emory's Birthday)   
"Careless Whisper" by George Michael (Emory's Lament)   
"Thank You" by Dido (Harrison and Nicole's Theme)   
"I've Never Been to Me" by Vivian Chow (Emory & April Conflict/Finale/Theme/Nicole's Lament) 

** © MARCH 2001**   


* * *

On the next **_Popular_** by John Andrew: 

**"CRUEL INTENTIONS"**   
**(a.k.a. "HE AIN'T HEAVY...HE'S MY BROTHER")**

Sam and Harrison finally talk...will they grow closer, or further apart?. A plan to get back at Nicole goes _terribly_ awry. 

* * *


End file.
